NU50

Chanticleer Mojo

2006-11-18T08:37:00.000-05:00

Once upon a time, this humble little site dabbled in the arts known as mojo. As it's one loyal reader (Hi Joanna!) noticed, it took a bit of a layoff. Why? None of your business, you aren't my mom!

But every now and then a cry comes out for mojo. OK, twice. You may not remember the fighting Chanticleers of CCU, but they haven't forgotten their mojo. And with a Division 1-AA tournament bid on the line, and the hated rivals from Charleston Southern coming to their home football turf, the call has once again gone out for mojo's help.

Their opponents are the Charleston Southern University Buccaneers, a school arriving with powerful pirate mojo of there own. Pirates are cut throat, bloodthirsty, ruthless criminals, who's chief hobbies include murder, rape, stealing, treasure burying, stabbing, rape (they like it enough to mention it twice), and general mayhem. No pirate is one you want to mess with.

What? Seriously? CSU is a Baptist school? No no no, this will not do at all. This changes everything. Pirates take what they want, not ask politely and send a thank you note when they are done. While they may appreciate the concept of holding someone underwater until they come around to your way of thinking, any self-respecting pirate would want nothing to do with any nimby-pimby Baptist school.

As Mojo Ambassador to CCU Alex can attest, a pirate's number one goal is to be plundering booty, but just under that at a close second is having a good time. Which is why everyone at CCU needs a little Captain in them.

CSU can hope for all the pirate mojo in the world, but pirates know better. Two cutlasses on a logo may look nice and all, but any good pirate is a mercenary, and is going to go where the action is. And the action is most certainly to be found at Coastal Carolina. Pirate mojo was CSU's last great hope, and it has abandoned them, for the spirit of Captain Morgan needs to be in a place where the action just doesn't stop. After all, neither does he, it doesn't matter if he needs a break for some needed food.

Or even if it is starting to get a little creepy.

Pirates don't quit, and neither does CCU. Look a little closer on that shoulder. That's not a parrot, its a damn Chanticleer.

MOJO - BOS vs NYY Five Day 1

2006-08-18T11:12:00.000-04:00

The Yankees come to town for a huge 5 game series at the Fens this weekend. With how these teams have been playing, this is a virtual ALDS for the American League East... except it's only August.

The first game of today's double header features a matchup of phallic proportions, as Johnson faces Wang. The two will try and pound the zone, and hope their balls don't get batted around or stroked too deep. The one who can keep the ball down and in will most likely come out on top. Despite their differences, there is one thing the two will certainly agree on: they are happy that there are no childish individuals who would make crude innuendos for their game today.

As for why the five fingers for today: Jason Johnson has yet to find any success in a Boston uniform, despite his talent. He isn't this bad. He just needs to remember how to pitch effectively, which is stored deep in his muscle memory. And if that doesn't work, he can still win the crowd over at least by delivering a message to the Yankees.

What did the five fingers say to the face?

A-ha ha ha. It's a celebration, bitches.

MOJO - BOS @ KC - Tough Love Day 1

2006-08-10T16:39:00.000-04:00

What a sorry bunch of losers you guys are. Things better start shaping up, or else you aren't going to like the consequences. For the pitchers, no one is safe. Tonight better turn around this string of poor performances from you guys, or else you better get used to seeing this:

And, as for you hitters? Don't think you guys are safe either. The whole lot of you could be producing better. Yes you too, David.

Maybe you should learn to rock a little harder, perhaps like someone who really knows how to win.

I think his two MVP awards show he's the player you should be emulating. Awards displayed in a case gilded with gold and encrusted with rare jewels, I might add.

MOJO - BOS @ KC - GI Joe Day 1

2006-08-08T19:46:00.000-04:00

Ruthlessly efficient. Master of stealth and deception, as well as multiple areas of combat. The last man you want to see melting out of the shadows. Snake Eyes is the ultimate commando, capable of taking on the most dangerous of missions and succeeding.

Jon Lester has the talent to cut through the Kansas City lineup as efficiently as one of Snake Eyes' trademark ninjato. With the Red Sox reeling in their past few games, they will need their new young ace-in-training to come through with a strong performance.

I said get a mask, Jon. That's a glove. You have a lot to learn about being a ninja.

MOJO - BOS vs TB - Air Force Day 2

2006-08-05T13:04:00.000-04:00

The Marine Harrier is one of the more versatile fighter jets in the US military. Capable of being deployed quickly and effectively nearly anywhere in the world, the Harrier is one of the few planes to utilize VTOL (Vertical Take Off and Landing), allowing it to perform with a minimal amount of runway. In fact, you may never know where one might turn up.

David Wells will need his curveball to drop out of site, just as the offense launches pitches in to orbit. Casey Fossum will never know what hit him.

MOJO - BOS @ TB - Air Force Day 1

2006-08-04T16:57:00.000-04:00

The AC-130 Spectre is an airborne weapons platform. Loaded to the hilt with an arsenal of weapons, the AC-130 is capable of devastating any target unlucky enough to be beneath it. How many planes can boast a Howitzer cannon within it's cargo bay?

Firepower is something the Sox have, and firepower is just what they need to employ. With the pitchers struggling, the hitters will have to unload with both barrels. Unfortunately for James Shields and Tampa Bay, they have the lineup to do it.

MOJO - BOS vs CLE - Ice Cream Truck Day 2

2006-08-03T18:22:00.000-04:00

The Ice Cream Truck is once again making it's rounds, and today it brings the delicious Orange Creme bar.

Orange Creme often goes over looked in the chocolate and berry dominated ice cream bar market, but it is one of the sweetest options coming from the side of everyone's favorite dessert delivery truck. (Well, maybe second, after the pudding van with mounted whipped cream cannon.)

Orange Creme may never get the press of Fudgicles or Berry Blast Bars, but that makes them no less delicious. And sometimes, it is the unsung ice cream novelties that pick you up and cool you off when you need them most. Hood may never pay to put a giant Orange Creme bar up in right field, but that doesn't mean Orange Creme won't be there for you.

Here's to you, Orange Creme, the most underappreciated of the ice cream bars.

MOJO - BOS vs CLE - Ice Cream Truck Day 1

2006-08-02T16:28:00.000-04:00

There is no happier sound than "the Entertainer" chiming in the distance as an Ice Cream Truck approaches. And with Doug Mirabelli filling in for the injured Jason Varitek, it is only fitting that the first order off the truck is for him. After all, Doug is a stud who likes to eat bombs.

Let's see Dougie and the rest of the Sox go deep and get back to their winning ways. No stopping until we regain first place... unless an Ice Cream Truck rolls through. Then you can call "game off" for a bit. It is far too hot to ignore tasty frozen treats.

MOJO - BOS vs CLE - Miracles Day 2

2006-08-01T16:08:00.000-04:00

Today's Mojo is a little fan-boyish, but too bad. I think we've reached the point where everyone is starting to realize what a special time to be a Red Sox fan it is, and it's all thanks to this:

Red Sox fans are not only no longer dreading the inevitable collapse, they are now eaglerly anticipating the dramatic come from behind win. Now THAT is a miracle.

MOJO - BOS vs CLE - Miracles Day 1

2006-07-31T18:27:00.000-04:00

David Wells, is on the mound again? Is it really true? Rise and be healed David Wells, for you have been blessed, and so too have the Red Sox!

I really thought we had seen the last of David Wells, but it looks like the big guy is proving me wrong. Now lets see the good start we've been waiting for all season.

Demons of poor pitching, come out!

MOJO - BOS @ ANA - Party Animal Day 1

2006-07-30T19:20:00.000-04:00

"We're going streaking! Everyone meet at the park, it's going to be awesome! Curt, you can bring your green hat! Come on, lets go!"

It's a party at Fenway, and everyone is invited.

MOJO BOS vs LAA - Monkeys Day 1

2006-07-28T17:56:00.000-04:00

Nothing entertains quite like our simian friends, and we certainly could use some primate love to counteract their "so 2002" Rally Monkey. Today, the lovable organ grinder's helper is around to remind the Sox to grind one out against the first of a group of 3 tough Anaheim (seriously, you're from Anaheim, get over yourself) starters. Just like Red Sox fans, the organ grinder's monkey doesn't need a scoreboard to tell him when to clap and cheer, he just knows it on his monkey instincts.

Jingle your little cup, monkey, and lets see the Red Sox donate some runs for you.

MOJO - BOS @ OAK - Cryptozoology Day 3

2006-07-26T16:02:00.000-04:00

Beware the long arms of the Kraken. The giant octopus snakes its tentacles, snaring any would be hits it its suction cups. There isn't a line drive or deep fly that is immune to it's tremendous range. With the Kraken as your Centerfielder, pitchers have their jobs made easy, with the Kraken taking care of the space from foul pole to foul pole, as well as 50 feet above the outfield wall, allowing the team to play 6 infielders. Doubles have been made a thing of the past.

Or at least they would be, if the Kraken were real. Which it isn't, which is excellent news for "Mr. Double".

MOJO - BOS @ OAK - Cryptozoology Day 1

2006-07-25T21:19:00.000-04:00

Jason Windsor is a name reminiscent of majestic flight. Beware the giant thunderbird that is Jason Windsor, swooping down with it's 20 foot wingspan, capable of lifting deer, people, and even light hitting ball clubs up off the ground. The A's will need every bit of it's help when going up against Curt Schilling, and the thunderbird can... wait, what?

I'm being told that there is no proof the thunderbird ever existed.

Hmm... well, good luck then. Because I'll tell you something, I'm 92.3% certain these guys exist:

And they like their birds good and tangible.

MOJO - BOS @ OAK - Cryptozoology Day 1

2006-07-24T20:47:00.000-04:00

The Red Sox must be very careful with the Oakland offense. Much like the Gippsland Phantom Cat stalks the plains of Western Australian, so too does the Oakland lineup lurk and wait to pounce on anything too foolish to approach. Josh Beckett and the rest of the bullpen better be incredibly careful not to awaken the big cat if they don't want to get clawed.

Of course, there is hope in Boston's efforst to square off against the fabled Phantom Cat. After all, no one has any proof of it's existence.

When he is on, it's pretty difficult to score runs of Josh Beckett. It is even harder when you don't exist.

MOJO - BOS @ SEA - Iconic Cars Day 1

2006-07-23T15:32:00.000-04:00

I hope Seattle hasn't gotten too attached to its watermelon carts, or its trucks carrying chicken coops. Because there is an orange streak of rebel spirit coming roaring over the next hill .

The General Lee always seemed to be careening out of control through the country side, as the Duke Boys once again sought to escape the long arm of Boss Hogg. While they seemed reckless and on the verge of crashing at any moment, each stunt was carefully planned and executed.

So while Jon Lester's stuff may seem like he is flying off the handle, or David Ortiz may seem like he is going to spin himself onto his ass when the bat ends up windmilling over his head, it is all a coordinated effort to bring the Red Sox another win.

That, and it's really fun to listen some country chase music and yell "Woooooo-Hoooooooooo!!!"

MOJO - BOS @ SEA - Revolutionaries Day 6

2006-07-22T16:18:00.000-04:00

"Do you want to know who you are? Don't ask. Act! Action will delineate and define you. "

Not all addition swill work out for the best. Will Kason Gabbard's Red Sox (and MLB) debut be more Jon Lester, or more Jason Johnson. Will he surprise like David Pauley, or will he never manage to catch on like Abe Alvarez. It's up to Gabbard himself to make that distinction, and today is his chance to do it. Regardless of outcome, just give it your all. After all, it was Jefferson who said:

"I do not take a single newspaper, nor read one a month, and I feel myself infinitely the happier for it. "

He may as well have been talking about WEEI and some of the less savory columnists in the Herald and Globe.

MOJO - BOS @ SEA - Revolutionaries Day 5

2006-07-21T21:38:00.000-04:00

"It is not power that corrupts but fear. Fear of losing power corrupts those who wield it, fear of the scourge of power corrupts those who are subject to it, and the fear of never winning again corrupts those who are trapped in Kansas City."

The story of Aung San Suu Kyi is one of both persecution and perseverance. Held under various forms of house arrest since 1989, she was kept imprisoned by the Burmese military government, despite gaining a majority of votes in it's first National Election in 1990. She continues her vigil for democracy under house arrest in Burma to this day, with the Burmese government showing no signs of relenting, despite ever present international pressure.

Aung San Suu Kyi knows that if she ever gets her chance, free from the her oppressive environment, she will seize the opportunity and make her goals become real.

Today is your chance, Kyle Snyder. Stabilizing the Boston Red Sox rotation may not be the most important challenge facing the world today. Maybe not even fifth most. But don't tell that to the folks cramming the Whiner Line, they are the ones who need you now. You may not have great power, but even with a good curveball comes great responsibility.

Today's mojo subject was selected by Empyreal to combat alleged excessive white-dudism.

MOJO - BOS vs TEX - Revolutionaries Day 4

2006-07-20T13:24:00.000-04:00

"Certainty? In this world nothing is certain but death, taxes and Manny Ramirez RBIs." --Benjamin Franklin

Isn't that how it goes? It sure seems that way. Well, the Red Sox will need Manny being Manny today, with Ortiz out of the lineup following two games and only two runs scored (against the Royals!). Of course, Franklin has some good advice for watching today's game as well.

"Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

Amen to that.

MOJO - BOS vs KC - Revolutionaries Day 3

2006-07-19T10:26:00.000-04:00

"If ye love wealth better than liberty, the tranquility of servitude better than the animating contest of freedom, go home from us in peace. We ask not your counsels or arms. Crouch down and lick the hands which feed you. May your chains set lightly upon you, and may posterity forget that ye were our countrymen."

In other words: if you only are here to cash a paycheck, go wear someone else's laundry. Sam Adams is only interested in toppling the Royals.

Series Sweeps: Always a good decision.

MOJO - BOS vs KC - Revolutionaries Day 2

2006-07-18T20:13:00.000-04:00

Around 1159, Policraticus was written and published by John of Salisbury. One of the most influential books, not to mention the best-selling book of the Twelfth Century (take that Harry Potter), Policraticus was one of the first to put forth that if a monarch becomes a tyrant, it is justifiable to end his rule by murdering him. "As the image of the deity, the prince is to be loved, venerated, and respected; the tyrant, as the image of depravity, is for the most part even to be killed." Thus, tyrannicide was "honourable" when tyrants "could not be otherwise restrained."

What can the Red Sox learn from Policraticus? That knocking off Royals is perfectly OK.

MOJO - BOS vs KC - Revolutionaries Day 1

2006-07-17T17:23:00.000-04:00

Remember, remember the 17th of July...

While that may not have the same ring to it, just as Novemebr 5th is still remembered as Guy Fawkes Day, so too shall a national holiday spring up when Tim Wakefield stops the Red Sox losing streak at one. Children will create life size effigies of Wakes, and enjoy shooting of "knuckler" fireworks (very dangerous bottle rockets) to celebrate.

But what does Guy Fawkes have to do with Tim Wakefield? They are both trying to knock off the Royals. (wokka wokka)

Good luck to all those stuck in the sweaty bleachers for tonights game, let's hope the Red Sox don't let them go home unhappy.

MOJO - BOS vs OAK - Explorers Day 1

2006-07-14T16:58:00.000-04:00

The world was flat. Then Magellan sailed around it. Sometimes the entire world can be changed by the actions of just a handful of people, and the help of a little thing called "diversity". (In this case, "diversity" means an old, old wooden ship.)

We are not asking the Red Sox to change the world, just to change the current losing streak into a winning one. If Magellan can circumnavigate the globe, surely beating Barry Zito isn't that hard.

MOJO - BOS vs OAK - Haircuts Day 1

2006-07-13T18:52:00.000-04:00

Crew cuts. Straight, angled, no fuss and no muss to them. The crew cut says "I'm all business, and I don't care who knows it". For the man who is too busy studying game film to bother with mousse, the crew cut is the only way to go.

The sleek look of guys like Mike Lowell and Jason Varitek will be what propels the Red Sox to a strong start to the second half.

Now there is a haircut you could set your watch to.

MOJO - BOS @ CWS - Lawmen Day 4

2006-07-09T13:30:00.000-04:00

When fighting on the side of the law, there is no more important tool than information. The more you know about your adversary, the better equiped you are to defeat them. No one knew that better than J Edgar Hoover.

If anyone understands the benifits of having a file on everyone you may face, it is today's starter Curt Schilling. There are few players in the game who work as tirelessly at game preperation as Schilling and his batterymate Jason Varitek, and just like Hoover's FBI, it is as if they have a dossier on every player in MLB.

Someone is watching the White Sox, and it is the agents and scouts for the Boston Red Sox. There is no where for them to hide, and soon, the 7 All-Stars from Chicago will be taking the flight to Pittsburgh owners of a fresh sweep at the hands of the left out Curt Schilling.

MOJO - BOS @ CWS - Lawmen Day 3

2006-07-08T13:32:00.000-04:00

Upholding the law isn't always collecting clues and reading people their rights. Sometimes you have to go and take it to the bad guys. No one knew that better than Wyatt Earp.

Ozzie Guillen and the White Sox are a menace to society, and it will be up to Josh Beckett to go and set things right at the US Cellular Corral. Lucky for him, he doesn't have to do it alone, as he'll have a whole team standing by his side. He knows that if there ever is a fight, Jason Varitek and the rest of the team is is there to be his huckleberry.

The White Sox of course.... not so much.

Go take the field and show it isn't Lawlessness that rules the AL. If the White Sox were looking for a fight, they got one.

MOJO - BOS @ CWS - Lawmen Day 2

2006-07-07T17:04:00.000-04:00

Top prospect Jon Lester has been impressive since being called up to the big club. He has been pitching with some success, and at times his stuff is downright electric, including a start in which he struck out 10 in only 6 innings of work. The only thing holding him back now is his command of his arsenal of pitches. Today's mojo comes courtesy of Jack Webb as Sgt. Joe Friday, the stalwart detective from TV's Dragnet.

"Just the strikes, Lester."

His name is Lester - he's a pitcher. And a damn good one. Time to close the book on win #2.

MOJO - BOS @ TB - Lawmen Day 1

2006-07-06T17:24:00.000-04:00

During the Prohibition Era, the street's of Chicago were ruled by notorious crime boss, Al Capone. After all, it's easy to stay on top when half the city is in your pocket, and the other half is deathly afraid of you. It takes a special breed to stand up to someone with so much power, and unfortunately for Capone, one found him.

Elliot Ness and his team earned the nickname "the Untouchables", for Capone's failed attempts to bribe them on to his payroll. No matter what Capone tried, he could not deter Ness and his team from their pursuit of justice.

It is this determination that the Red Sox need to end their 3 game losing streak against the Devil Rays. And what would go a long way towards making that happen is Tim Wakefield finding his trademark knuckler early, and giving it that "Untouchable" flutter to keep Tampa Bay off the basepaths, an area victimized by a crime spree after the last few games.

If they won't win it for themselves, won't somebody please think of the children.

MOJO - BOS @ TB - Mad Scientist Day 1

2006-07-05T16:00:00.000-04:00

Tonight's starter Jason Johnson has had a troublesome year. After losing his spot in Cleveland's starting rotation, he ended up getting traded to Boston for another shot at earning his paycheck. Those who have been watching him play have been unable to nail down exactly why he has had such a drop in performance levels, but they have also not had the awesome power of science at their fingertips. One merely needs to analyze his starts with the gigawatt processing power of my homemade computer.

Lets see: according to this, his problem is.... he sucks. While this would clearly be an insurmountable obstacle to your average WEEI caller, those of us in the super science biz know that this is a trivial matter. Or at least it is now, thanks to my new invention: The Desuckulator (tm)

Yep, a few days in this baby and he'll be as good as new. What? Gametime is in only a few hours? Well, I guess he'll have to not suck just enough to pull off the victory. Of course, if this works, we'll give it the real test of tossing Seanez and Tavarez in there, and then it's a one way ticket to fame and fortune for me.

Now dry yourself off and get yourself a win. Nobody likes a soggy pitcher's mound, much less a soggy pitcher.

MOJO - BOS @ TB - Explosions Day 1

2006-07-04T14:04:00.000-04:00

In honor of the holiday, let's see Schilling strikeout 7 guys in a 4 hitter, Ortiz hit 4 HRs for 7 RBI, Manny nail a guy trying to stretch a single into a double for the 7-4 assist, and for the Red Sox to win by a score of.... 23-0.

Happy 230th Birthday America!

MOJO - BOS @ TB - Tag Team Day 3

2006-07-03T17:10:00.000-04:00

Day 2 was counted out due to a spur of the moment birthday outing on your host's part. However, the Red Sox took care of business on their own, and mojo is back to face All-Star Scott Kazmir and the Devil Rays.

Josh Beckett takes the hill, and the Sox hope he continues the trend of infusing some high-energy output with his electric stuff. And if there is any one who knows how to excite with their high-flying moves, it is Shawn Michaels and Marty Jannetty: the Rockers!

With a combination of their daredevil maneuvers and their athletic combo moves, the Rockers were one of the dominant forces in the WWF Tag Team circuit. And just like "the Rocker Dropper" took care of many an opponent, so to will Josh Beckett erase many batters in front of him.

Of course, some players may appreciate the high flying maneuvers more than others.

MOJO - BOS @ FLA - Tag Team Day 1

2006-07-01T15:09:00.000-04:00

Looies has much to be proud of, as 12 wins is the most mojo has managed to string together since "BelindaInThe8th" tied that mark in 1995 when he was writing a mojo newsletter that he would print and handout in Fenway Park before each game. This proved especially difficult for road games.

However, the time has come for Looies to make the tag out and for me to take back over the mojo duties. And with such a symbolic gesture leads us directly to today's mojo> After all what can be say about today's mojo other than "ohhhhhh, what a rush!"

Hawk and Animal made up the Road Warriors, one of the most dominating tag teams in the history of professional wrestling. They've won titles in every major wrestling alliance, and as the Legion of Doom have held the WWF belts as recently as (believe it or not) 2005. Working as a team, they were one of the best at a staple of the tag team genre: when one guy starts getting overwhelmed, make the desperate tag out and their partner barrels in and cleans house. If the offense starts laboring, it will be up to Tim Wakefield (the only member of the 95 squad still around) to keep the Marlins off the board. And if it is Timmy that gets knocked around, it will be up to Manny and the rest of the lineup to slug them right back. And if the match ends up being close, then it will be up to the Doomsday Device to finish them off:

Time to paint your face and dust off those spiked football pads in your closet, because LoD is back and ready to lay waste to all those oppose them.

mojo?

2006-06-24T19:40:00.000-04:00

So if you are one of the 10s of people wondering where mojo went: fear not, it isn't gone. I made it to the doubleheader against Texas, and realized I needed a little sabbatical. A fine gentleman going by the name Looies Windup decided to assume the Mojo Mantle in the interim, and I'll be damned if he didn't kick off an 8-game win streak. Not one to mess with a good thing, he's been doing it ever since.

So it still exists, and can be found in the daily gamethreads found on redsoxnation.net. It will return here when Mojo is good and ready.

MOJO - BOS vs TEX - Pee Wee's Playhouse Day 3

2006-06-10T12:56:00.000-04:00

(remember kids, the word of the day is "strikeout")

Hey' who's that at the door?

Why, it's our old friend Cowboy Curtis! He's here to... wait a minute? You look awfully familiar, Cowboy Curtis. Holy crap, it's Lawrence Fishburne! Did you really get a start out doing this?

Wow, I guess getting your first start isn't that big of a deal. You can go out do just about anything, and have a great career. Well, that bodes well for Jon Lester, making his MLB debut today. Don't worry about those butterflies Jon, if Cowboy Curtis can become Morpheus, than this start is just a small first step to a great career. Enjoy your first start in the show, and if some Texas batter gives you some lip, we all know you have the stuff to set him down with the strikeout.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

MOJO - BOS vs TEX - Pee Wee's Playhouse Day 2

2006-06-09T16:25:00.000-04:00

(Remember kids, the word of the day is "belly")

The Red Sox get to play their first of 4 games in 3 days against the Texas Rangers, with Tim Wakefield taking the mound. With the offense seemingly to start to put it together against the Yankees last night, I sure wish that things can continue against Vincente Padilla.

"Did somebody say wish?"

"Your wish is my command!"

[dazzling special effects]

Wow, thanks Jambi! No there is now way the Sox can lose. I can't wait to see Wakefield take the mound with the team and everyone's favorite back up catcher, Dougie Mirabelli... "belli?"

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

(close enough!)

MOJO - BOS @ NYY - Pee Wee's Playhouse Day 1

2006-06-08T18:41:00.000-04:00

(remember kids, the Secret Word of the Day is "win")

With the fantastic news that Pee Wee's Playhouse will be returning to TV on Adult Swim, Pee Wee and friends will be lending a hand with mojo.

Taking the mound tonight will be Curt Schilling, a workhourse in the rotation who cranks out quality starts like a machine. Which is why the seemingly automatic Mr. Schilling will be getting a hand today from everyone's favorite robot: Conky!

Nothing quite like a little robot fun to help Curt Schilling and the Red Sox to a much needed win.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

MOJO - BOS @ NYY - Vince Vaughn Day 1

2006-06-06T15:19:00.000-04:00

Vince Vaughn: so hot right now. It is that can't miss aura that the Red Sox need to regain. Vince Vaughn starred in a critically slammed romantic comedy with Jennifer Aniston (who has struggled to find a box office hit), it debuted at number 1. The man simply makes winners.

And to start it off, sometimes all it takes is a quote from the movie that launched his career, tailor made for David Pauley making his second start tonight:

"You are so money and you don't even know it."

MOJO - BOS @ NYY - Egyptology Day 2

2006-06-05T14:29:00.000-04:00

The rivalry once again resumes as the Red Sox roll in to Gotham to take on the Yankees. The two teams have been neck and neck over the past couple of weeks as they battle for first place, and this 4 game set could swing the balance of power in either direction.

The Red Sox need to assert their authority in the American League East, and nothing does the job of showing who's the ruling class like gigantic stone monuments.

The Pyramids of Giza are not only monuments to long passed pharoahs, but also the pillars of winning baseball. The Pyramid of Khufu (or Great Pyramid) is for pitching, the Pyramid of Khafre is for hitting, and the third of the main pyramids, the Pyramid of Menkaure is for fielding. And while these make up the centerpiece of the complex, there are many more smaller structures that complete the site. The smaller monuments are for other essential components of Red Sox baseball: baserunning, man-hugs, applesauce, clutch home runs, and of course, the monument to their ever-growing fan base. Not to mention the Great Sphinx, whose origin and subject are still shrouded in mystery. No one is really sure what the Sphinx is in tribute to. Some say that's just the Sphinx being Manny.

MOJO - BOS @ DET - Egyptology Day 1

2006-06-04T12:33:00.000-04:00

As the Red Sox look to close out the series in Detroit with a victory against the rookie Zach Miner, we pray to Osiris, God of the Underworld. We offer up our prayers, service, and this case of Sam Adams Black Lager in the hopes that he might release Matt Clement's season in the hopes it can return from the dead. We know that it still has much to offer, and would like to give it another chance.

MOJO - BOS @ DET - Welcome Day 3

2006-06-03T16:23:00.000-04:00

Little known fact about Tim Wakefield: he likes musicals. And in Detroit, he wishes the Tigers hitters a hearty Willkommen! Bienvenue! Welcome! to his trademark knuckleball. He invites you to stay and rest in the batter's box for the show, on your round trip journey form the dugout.

Red Sox fans, leave your troubles outside. For in Red Sox Nation, life is beautiful, the team is beautiful, even Julian Tavarez is beautiful! So sit back, relax , and enjoy the show.

MOJO - BOS @ DET - Welcome Day 2

2006-06-02T16:38:00.000-04:00

I'd like to take a little time to offer up some thanks:

Thank you to Ortiz and Manny for driving the offense.

Thank you to Demarlo Hale for making me forget we have a Third Base Coach most games.

Thank you to Papelbon and Foulke for being so strong in the late innings.

Thank you to the entire infield for doing so well on the defensive side of the ball.

And a big thank you to Curt Schilling, for not only returning to form, but seeing as mojo is currently at risk of being sidelined by a foot injury, for performing even when you are hurt.

Now, remember what your mothers taught you and be polite, and don't forget to say "You're Welcome". Or at least show it with another win.

MOJO - BOS @ TOR - Welcome Day 1

2006-05-31T16:11:00.000-04:00

Today marks the major league debut of 22 year old David Pauley. Pauley has been solid in the minors, and the Red Sox hope he can be a pleasant surprise filling in for their injured rotation.

Welcome to the big leagues kid. Be careful though, it's a jungle out there.

And if you run into Axl, that's the least of your worries. If Tommy Hilfiger can take him, I have plenty of faith in you. No there are much bigger things to fear than washed up front men.

Welcome David Pauley, hope your debut is closer to Jon Papelbon's than Cla Merideth's.

MOJO - BOS @ TOR - Great Battles of History Day 1

2006-05-30T15:26:00.000-04:00

Battle of Hastings - 1066 AD

Edward the Confessor, King of England, in the absence of a male heir had promised the throne to his cousin, William, the duke of Normandy. However, on his death bed, the king changed his mind, and instead named Harold, the earl of Wessex, as his successor. Infuriated, William invaded England to claim the throne he felt was rightfully his. The tide of battle turned when the Normands pretended to retreat. When the English pursued, the Normands reared and counterattacked. Harold was slain on the battlefield when he took an arrow to the face, and William won the battle, and the throne. The English Royal Family can still trace it's bloodline all the way back to William the Conqueror.

Instead of the fields of battle, we have the turf of Toronto, as the new King of Boston, Josh Beckett, takes the hill against the Blue Jays. With their potent offense, the Red Sox are always a threat to strike late in the game. With no lead safe, the offense is one that can leave you bloodied when you think it is them who is on the run. And while tonight's Jays starter Gustavo Chacin may have the eye wear to protect him from an arrow to the face, it won''t stop them from sailing over his head and out of the ballpark.

special thanks to JayhawkBill for this mojo idea

MOJO - BOS @ TOR - Reality TV Day 5

2006-05-29T15:25:00.000-04:00

The Red Sox travel north of the f@$#ing border to take on Roy Halladay and the motherf@$#ing Blue Jays. Halladay has regained his Cy Young form of late, while Clement has been looking like a &@$% of @*$%&#@. For those who are ready to write this game off, Ozzy has a few choice words for you.

Listen you farghfin mumblejobs! There is no glargpvn rustifp way that the bostargble red [incoherent] and he'll hit it so f@*$(% far that when it lands it far- [incoherent] with banana sauce! Sharon!

... thanks Ozzy.

[ed note: this would have been for Day 4, but it takes a little while for Ozzy to get anywhere these days]

MOJO - BOS vs TB - Reality TV Day 3

2006-05-27T15:26:00.000-04:00

"This is the true story, of seven strangers, picked to play in a ballpark, work together and have their lives taped, to find out what happens, when people stop being polite, and start getting real. The Real World."

The Red Sox take the field with one objective. Get win number 200 for Curt Schilling as he goes head to head with Seth McClung. Playing behind him, will be your cast of strangers who must work together in able to secure the win.

The respected captain, acting as field general.

The grizzled veteran on the comeback trail.

The left handed, kind of goofy Dominican masher.

The right handed, kind of goofy Dominican masher.

And the young gun from Texas.

Watch as they learn to live and play together. Hopefully with out any hot tub shenanigans.

MOJO - BOS vs TB - Reality TV Day 2

2006-05-26T17:35:00.000-04:00

Scott Kazmir. David Wells. Today you will be facing off against each other to see which of the two of you is the bravest. We have laid out before you your pre-game meal. It is a plate containing fish eyeballs, horse rectum, sheep spleen, and live cockroaches in a bull testicle sauce. For flavor, we've added a twist of Manny's game worn underpants. Not only do you have to eat this, but you have to look at Julian Tavarez and Rudy Seanez while you do so. This will clearly be a difficult test of your -- wha??

Well, David Wells, clearly fear is not a factor for you.

...at least he used a napkin this time.

MOJO - BOS vs TB - Reality TV Day 1

2006-05-25T16:19:00.000-04:00

I'm not going to lie to you, the last two games have not been good. It's time to clean up your act. Tonight's challenge is sponsored by the good people at Waechter's Meatball Factory. We better start seeing some positive results, or otherwise, one of you is going to have to visit the new guys office. Oh you didn't hear? The Red Sox have just hired a VP of New Employee Opportunity Management. He is excited to tell you that you have many options to go forward with your career, in many different places. Perhaps you should go look for them elsewhere. Of course, there is a much quicker way to get that point across.

You're fired!

MOJO - BOS vs NYY - Candy Day 1

2006-05-24T15:47:00.000-04:00

Sweet candy mojo is here for the series finale against the Yankees. The Sox hope for big things as they enjoy the mojo of some giant lollipops. Can't you just see Manny trotting out to left field with one of them sticking out of his back pocket for licks between plays?

Of course, these not only refer to the Red Sox and their fans too. They possess a little anti-mojo for tonight's Yankee starter as well, Randy Johnson. After all, when he arrived in New York, he was hailed as the guy who would put the Yankees over the top, nearly gaurenteeing their return to the World Series. Of course, he is now sporting a 5.62 ERA, and his largely mediocre season has shown fans of Randy Johnson to be one thing:

MOJO - BOS vs NYY - Beer Day 2

2006-05-23T14:19:00.000-04:00

There are days when you feel like you deserve the very best. When your palette needs a bit more refinement, and when your tastebuds yearn for something which will both excite and delight them. There are days when you wish to pamper your senses, and allow yourself to enjoy the finest the world has to offer.

And then there are days like today.

Today is not for your high class brews. It's for the stuff that come in racks, which you purchase based upon the lowest unit price of dollars per can (hoping to break the elusive 40 cent barrier). The hallmarks of a first year in college, today is for your "Beasts", your "Nattie Ices" and your "Keystone Lights". Or of course, my personal choice, your Pabst Blue Ribbons.

For a win today, we look to the guys who may not always look pretty, who may not always be graceful in the field or Herculean (or even Ortizean) at the plate. Guys who take up only a small amount of the payroll, but still look to provide some bang for their buck. Guys like Doug Mirabelli, Alex Gonzalez and Wily Mo Pena. Guys who aren't the superstars of the team, but who can still get the job done. Today is their day to shine.

Drink up (and up, and up), Boston. If you drink enough today, you may provide just enough mojo to help the Sox win. And if not, you'll be too drunk to care.

MOJO - BOS vs NYY - Beer Day 1

2006-05-22T16:23:00.000-04:00

Mojo emerges from a debauchery filled weekend, bleary eyed from a friend's Bachelor Party. Sometimes, inspiration finds you in some odd ways, and mojo struck from my parched mouth as it was quenched with the very dame beverage that caused it in the first place.

Beer mojo rolls in, direct from one of the best places to grab a pint around the ball park: Boston Beer Works.

With the Yankees in town, the obvious choice on the menu is their Fenway American Pale Ale.

The Sox will finally be able to get 9 innings in at Fenway for the first time in over a week. The home crowd will certainly be happy to see them, all though they may not appreciate the guys in the opponent's dugout quite so much. The Red Sox hope to extend their lead in the AL East behind the rowdy support of their beer drinking fans.

Of course, if you are at the Beer Works tonight, a little extra mojo never hurt. Some fireworks off the bats of our hitters tonight would certainly be pretty sweet, and for that we have a surprisingly sweet beer that is as delicious as it looks: Watermelon Ale.

The beer doesn't disappoint, just as Curt Schilling and the Red Sox won't tonight.

MOJO - BOS @ PHI - Hanna Barbera Day 1

2006-05-19T16:50:00.000-04:00

Welcome to interleague play, with the Red Sox traveling to the lawless wilds that is Philadelphia's Citizen's Bank Ballpark. The Sox will look to quiet the rowdy Philadelphia fans when taking on Jon Leiber and the Phillies. Lucky for them, the law is on their side (even if the law is particularly dim witted).

Quick Draw McGraw mojo is here, as the Sox will look to get to Leiber early in this one. Leiber was flirting with a no-hitter in his last start (until ESPN cut away from their normal program to air the game in the 7th), so the Red Sox will look to get into the Phils bullpen as soon as they can. With any luck, we'll get the chance to follow up a Wily Mo swing with a resounding call of "KA-BONG!!"

Matt Clement gets the start from the Red Sox, and if he's looking to baffle Phils hitters, just have Tek ask them this before they come to the plate: if Quick Draw is a bi-pedal horse, why is it that he rides a normal horse, and even drives a stagecoach pulled by regular horses in the opening credits?

If I were a horse, I would find that incredibly degrading. Someone should ask Linda Cohn how she feels about this.

MOJO - BOS @ BAL - John Travolta Day 3

2006-05-17T16:00:00.000-04:00

The Red Sox have been cruising this week, extending their win streak to 13 games over the Orioles. The offense is carrying them, as it is now running like a finely tuned machine. You may even say it is running like Greased Lightning!

Grease mojo rolls in to Baltimore with it's pompadours and poodle skirts, as well as it's illustrious hand jive. Hand jive mojo will be especially important to Doug Mirabelli, as he tries to keep a handle on Tim Wakefield's lively knuckleball.

Of course, Dougie will get bonus mojo for owning that exact same suit.

So roll up your cigarettes in your sleeves, and every one get ready for some spontaneous breaking in to song, for the musical has begun. I hope you like choreography. I know Manny does.

MOJO - BOS @ BAL - John Travolta Day 2

2006-05-16T15:51:00.000-04:00

For Curt Schilling and Mike Lowell, 2005 was not their best years. Whether due to injury, or just a year long slump, neither of them put up particularly good numbers. It seemed that no matter how hard they tried, they simply couldn't get things to go right for them. It was as if they were stuck having to spend all their time talking to a baby voiced by Bruce Willis.

But 2006 is an entire new year, and look who is making the big comeback and striking new images for themselves. Curt Schilling returning to form as the dominant starter, and Mike Lowell finding his bat and becoming an extra base machine. You could say that everyone is finding the two to be much cooler now.

Pulp Fiction mojo rolls in to try and make it 13 straight against Bruce Chen and the Baltimore Orioles. If he's not careful, the Red Sox may have to get medieval on his.. well, you see where this is going.

MOJO - BOS @ BAL - John Travolta Day 1

2006-05-15T16:28:00.000-04:00

WELCOME BACK

Back in the 70s, "Welcome Back, Kotter" was banned in the city of Boston when it first went on the air. It seems the locals had thought it was about busing, a hot button issue of the day. Of course, once that cloud cleared up and people realized it was just about some lovable Sweathogs, the show finally made its way to Boston airwaves.

And while our own clouds still hang overhead, the Sox have slipped out from under them like they were ditching afternoon detention. Finally, we get to see our own Sweathogs back on the field again.

So say "Up your nose with a rubber hose!" to Mother Nature and enjoy some baseball again, and maybe even throw in a "Heyy, Mr. Beck-ett" for good measure.

Show the Red Sox the way to victory, you hunky dreamboat you.

MOJO - BOS vs TEX - Dance Day 2

2006-05-12T16:15:00.000-04:00

The title may not share the same theme, but a little softshoe is just what they need tonight. With the storm clouds rolling overhead the game looks to be in doubt as their is no question rain will be falling from the skies. So if they do manage to squeeze in a few innings (and hopefully enough to make it official), the Red Sox will have to make the best of it.

Roll out the plastic carpet, it's going to be a wet one tonight.

MOJO - BOS @ NYY - Dance Day 1

2006-05-11T16:11:00.000-04:00

If watching Tim Wakefield run has taught us anything, it is that Wakes has got some happy feet. While a game in Yankee Stadium with the winner taking sole possession of first place would normally be a time for high blood pressure and tense nail-biting, it is important to remember that it is still only May. So let Tim and his reunited BFF Dougie enjoy spring and take the field with a song in their heart and have a little dance mojo.

Tonight's dance mojo gets to be picked by the Red Sox resident doubles machine, new third baseman Mike Lowell. And being the automatron built for the sole purpose of hitting balls down the line that he is, it is only fitting that he opts for the classic moves of the Robot. So join Mike "the Robot" Lowell and his analog friends in busting out to a digital groove.

MOJO - BOS @ NYY - Ninjas Day 6

2006-05-10T15:28:00.000-04:00

With the rain still coming down, the Red Sox look to make it six wins in a row, and three straight for the season over New York. The Red Sox have taken well to the lessons learned from the ninja, and today they will need the help of another ninja disciple to find victory yet again. For today, the Red Sox must ask themselves: WWBD? What Would Batman Do?

Well, he'd probably crash through a warehouse skylight and browbeat some lowlife thugs. That seems to be Batman's solution to just about everything. So it will be up to Curt Schilling to have his splitter crashing through the strike zone, and for David Ortiz and the offense to slug the ball in to the upper decks. Batman is a legend, but without his ninja training he's just another rich guy with a lot of expensive toys.

The Yankees are a good team, but it will take more than pinstripes to go head to head with Ninja Batman Baseball.

MOJO - BOS @ NYY - Ninjas Day 5

2006-05-09T16:01:00.000-04:00

Ninja mojo storms in to the House that Ruth Built, which, truth be told, may be more dangerous to his legacy than beer, prostitutes, Barry Bonds and steroids put together (sounds like next week's Bonds on Bonds promo). When ninjas come to your town, don't expect a quaint house warming gift.

With Beckett set to return to Yankee Stadium for the first time since the clinching Game 6 of the 2003 World Series, the threat of rain looms over the park. While some may worry that this will impede the Red Sox' chances of making it 5 wins in a row, they do not realize the ninja's decided advantage in wet environments.

It will take more than a few raindrops to stop the Red Sox from winning. A complete wash out of the park won't be enough to stop them, nor will Randy Johnson, who has been looking more and more washed up lately. They could move the park to the middle of New York Harbor, and it won't even slow the ninja mojo down.

The power of the ninja will push the Red Sox to continue their winning ways.

MOJO - BOS vs BAL - Ninjas Day 4

2006-05-07T13:15:00.000-04:00

As the Red Sox attempt to close out the series with Kris Benson and the Baltimore Orioles with another win, it should be remembered that ninjas come from the most unlikely places. Ninjas abound in Japan, in the boardrooms of major corporations, and wherever Daniel LaRusso happen to be, but in the sewers ordering pizza? Ninjas aren't always what you expect them to be, sometimes instead of quiet, dark and stealthy, they are loud, green and full of wise-cracks.

Turtle Power comes to Fenway Park, as the Heroes in a Half-Shell look to join forces with Wally the Green Monster to vanquish their common enemy, the pesky orange birds from the south. Tina Cervasio may even dress in a yellow jumpsuit for tonight's game.

Of course, we all know where Raphael and his red bandana's loyalties lie, but what of the rest of the group, especially Michelangelo? Can we be sure that the different colors are just a way to tell them apart easier, and not a sign of conflicting loyalties? Of course we can, because don't forget what they debuted wearing before their hit TV show.

Cowabunga!

MOJO - BOS vs BAL - Ninjas Day 3

2006-05-06T18:14:00.000-04:00

Wakefield has been good in his last few starts, but hasn't had the benifit of run support to come away with the W. That's why the offense needs to remember what it is like to Rock as hard as the ninja to give Wakefield the support he deserves.

Here's to another kick in the face, ninja style, being ready for the O's as the Red Sox look to continue their triumphant yet mysterious winning ways.

MOJO - BOS vs BAL - Ninjas Day 2

2006-05-05T16:21:00.000-04:00

The Red Sox divisional nemesis from the House of Baltimore arrive at Fenway Park tonight for the first game in a three game set. They face off against Rodrigo Lopez, a pitcher who always seems to get the better of them. But Rodrigo wasn't counting on having to face the power of the ninja.

The Red Sox pitching staff has mastered the art of stealth. The gift of the ninja is to move about unseen. Not only will Curt Schilling's splitter disappear as if it dropped a smokescreen grenade, but the entire bullpen will invisibly glide to the mound. It will be difficult to pick up pitches when you can't even see the guy throwing them. They've all ready arrived at the park, and had some pictures taken of them while warming up.

Of course, ninja mojo is not only for the pitchers, but for the entire clubhouse. Anyone can learn the way of the ninja if they possess the discipline. Expect to see dazzling plays turned in by everyone from the defense, to the lineup, to the grounds crew and Wally. They may be hard to see, but ninjas can be found everywhere.

And of course, ninja mojo would be remiss if it did not observe the holiday today. So for good measure, lets not forget the proud heritage of the Mexican Ninja.

Happy Cinco de Mayo, let's see it bring another Sox win.

MOJO - BOS vs TOR - Ninjas Day 1

2006-05-04T17:45:00.000-04:00

Darkness falls on Fenway Park. A fog drifts in from the harbor. Josh Towers is walking from the visitor's locker room to the field to prepare for his start. He sees a shadow flicker past in his peripheral vision. He whirls around to see the intruder, but sees nothing but empty hallway. By the time he realizes he's made a mistake, he is all ready dead.

Ninja mojo arrives with a puff of smoke to strike when the Blue Jays least expect it. The Red Sox may feel compelled to go easy on Josh Towers, who's given up more runs than he has pitched innings (10.45 ERA), but ninjas show no mercy.

Let's see the ninja's killer instinct return the Red Sox to their winning ways.

MOJO - BOS vs TOR - Patriotism Day 2

2006-05-03T20:37:00.000-04:00

Fighting the good fight doesn't come cheaply. Help keep our guys soaring.

Invest in our boys to help give them the resources they need to win. Every dollar helps.

MOJO - BOS vs NYY - Patriotism Day 1

2006-05-01T18:44:00.000-04:00

Please stand up and remove your hats for the presentation of Patriotism Mojo, as brought to you by Captain America.

Why Captain America? Because if the Red Skull offered him $52 million, he's not going to become a Commie.

MOJO - BOS @ TB - Saved by the Bell Day 2

2006-04-30T12:25:00.000-04:00

Are you ready for mojo, preppy?

Saved by the Bell mojo continues with the other one of the Bayside High School Super Hunks, AC Slater. After all, no one could make the teenage girls in the audience go "Wooooooooooooo" quite like AC. That dimpled smile and a "hey mama, you ready to go to the Attic? Don't worry, I've got my fake ID, and it works every time", and all the ladies will swoon.

Just like AC has never lost a wrestling match in his life, just like Curt Schilling has yet to lose a game this season. It's that competitive fire which will keep the Red Sox rolling as they try to beat those punks from Valley.... err, Tampa Bay.

And should Schilling not be able to throw 180 pitches again for a complete game, AC has a little extra for Mike Timlin coming out of the pen.

Go Bayside Red Sox!

MOJO - BOS @ TB - Saved By the Bell Day 1

2006-04-29T12:16:00.000-04:00

In an attempt to revitalize mojo (2 for it's last 8), tonight's mojo comes courtesy of the lovely Piney.

---

I'm your substitute teacher for today, filling in for NU who is out being mad busy, and in a bit of a mojo slump himself, so I have filled in today to help try and bring this team back on the road. So open up those Trapper Keepers, take out your number two pencils, and let's start up with the mojo....

When you wake up in the morning and the clock lets out a warning I don't think I'll ever make it on time. By the time I got my books, I give myself a look I'm at the corner just in time to see the bus fly by

Yep, boys and girls, it's alright because we got some Saved By the Bell mojo headed straight up your way!

Saved By the Bell, as we all know, is an 80's sitcom that was on NBC on Saturday mornings. I think we basically all know about it, the 80's corniness, the spandex, the ridiculously genius plotlines. I think we all have the "Jessie Takes Caffiene Pills" episode memorized by heart somehow, but anyways, onto the mojo...

Today's character is the ultra-suave "What? Me Worry?" Zack Morris. He's always got a plan and he's always laid back and just let things happen. He's not exactly known as the best of students at first, but as time went on, he showed himself to be quiet the student, actually. He never worried, and never seemed to take things too seriously, which in this game of baseball is a great quality to have. In other words, if Zack Morris was a big Dominican man, he would be David Ortiz.

Now I call upon David Ortiz to channel his inner Zack Morris and hone his clutchibility and reinstate the fear of God in the Devil Rays pitchers. Hopefully, like Morris in his many predicaments that he's gotten himself into, he learns from his struggles in the past few days and adjusts well. Actually, I call upon the entire offense to just relax, stop worrying, and hit the goddamn ball. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and stop thinking...sometimes not thinking too hard at the plate can produce some beautiful results.

So boys and girls, the lesson plan for today is to just kick back, relax, and focus. Be like Zack Morris, and things will be alright. Why? Because you're Saved By the Bell. And if not then, mehh what the hell are you doing taking advice from an 80's show anyway?!

MOJO - BOS @ TB - AC/DC Day 1

2006-04-28T17:43:00.000-04:00

I didn't want to have to do this, but you've left me with no choice. After two straight ugly losses to Cleveland, the team needs a swift kick in the ass. And there is just one band with balls big enough to handle the job.

Hey there, all you Red Sox
Throw away your fancy clothes
And while you're out there sittin' on the bench
So get off your ass and come down here
'Cause baseball ain't no riddle man
To me it makes good, good sense

Heavy hitters are comin up to bat
We got mohawks comin out of the pen
We're just playing for fans that're giving too much noise
Are you deaf, you wanna hear some more

We're just talkin' about the future
Forget about the past
It'll always be with us
It's never gonna die, never gonna die

Rock 'n' roll ain't noise pollution
Rock 'n' roll ain't gonna die
Rock 'n' roll ain't noise pollution
Rock 'n' roll it will survive

thanks to Piney, who's mojo style I am blatantly stealing from

MOJO - BOS @ CLE - Gangsters Day 1

2006-04-27T16:59:00.000-04:00

"You have an all out prize fight, you wait until the fight is over, one guy is left standing. And that's how you know who won."

Wins aren't just handed to you on a silver platter. You have to claw and scrape from nothing and make wins for yourself. You think Cleveland is just going to roll over and hand you a win? Of course not. You have to see what you want and take it, just like Al Capone would.

You think they are going to just going to get easy fastballs over the plate, David Ortiz? You are going to have to take the slop they give you and either beat the shift going the other way, or send it over their heads where they can't catch it. You think everything is going to be soft grounders right to you, Alex Gonzalez? Not a chance, lets see you get that jersey dirty and make some plays for the highlight reel. You think those hitters are going to be getting themselves out, Josh Beckett? They've got some talent, but so do you, so use that great stuff of yours to show them the way back to the bench.

Tonight's game won't be delivered on a silver platter. You know what you want, now go take it. We'll see which team is the last one standing.

MOJO - BOS @ CLE - Saddest Mojo Ever Day 3

2006-04-26T17:15:00.000-04:00

Doesn't this look beautiful:

Too bad that if the Sox don't keep winning, the ownership will have to expand their enterprises.

Losing kills trees and wildlife. Don't kill trees and wildlife.

MOJO - BOS @ CLE - Saddest Mojo Ever Day 2

2006-04-25T16:43:00.000-04:00

Why is this little girl sad?

Because if the Red Sox lose, no one will want to party.

Losing ruins little girls' birthday parties. Don't ruin little girls' birthday parties.

MOJO - BOS @ TOR - Saddest Mojo Ever Day 1

2006-04-22T22:42:00.000-04:00

You see this puppy?

Losing makes him sad.

Stop making the puppy sad.

MOJO - BOS @ TOR - Espionage Day 1

2006-04-22T01:09:00.000-04:00

We've got problems here in mojo world. Yesterday's attempt to unlesah some firepower worked pretty darn well, with the Red Sox hitting 4 home runs, including Jason Varitek's first, Manny and Ortiz going back-to-back, AND Manny hitting another home run for his first two of the year. Easy coasting to the win after that, right?

But wait, the Blue Jays hit 4 home runs as well, including 2 by Vernon Wells. How could this be? The unthinkable has happened: someone is trying to steal our mojo!

It seems those dastardly foes from the north are attempting to usurp our mojo for their own purposes! There's only one hope of saving mojo: revert to emergency encrypted mojo while we look for enemy spies.

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Ogay Edray Oxsay!

MOJO - BOS @ TOR - Explosions Day 1

2006-04-21T17:17:00.000-04:00

With another good pitching performance by Tim Wakefield wasted last night, it is up to the offense to get back on track, and fast. The Red Sox have been performing exceptionally well in 1 run games, but with the talent the Red Sox have holding the bats (well, except for Josh Bard) they shouldn't have to keep putting the burden on their pitching staff (as good as it's been).

The Red Sox need a little more fire in their belly, and they need to start putting on the fireworks show that their lineup is capable of. So without further ado, let's let loose the artillery.

So fire up Tchaikovsky's "1812 Overture", or if you feel like rocking, a little of AC/DC's "For Those About to Rock", and sit back and enjoy the fireworks. The Red Sox pyrotechnic display is hitting the road, with it's first stop north of the border tonight.

MOJO - BOS vs TB - Hair Bands Day 5

2006-04-20T17:44:00.000-04:00

When Tim Wakefield takes the mound, it is a completely different type of appearence from most starting pitchers. While power pitchers like Curt Schilling and Josh Beckett dazzle with the explosive fastballs, Wakefield puts on a different type of show. One of fluttering pitches that you see quickly and then they disappear. Pitches that dance and entertain on their way to the plate. Tim Wakefield is his own one-man pitching magic show.

And every magic show needs it's theme music.

Let the Swede Rock permeate the air as the Red Sox look to make it 5 straight with a sweep of Tampa Bay at Fenway Park today. And remember, Wakefield's knuckler seemingly disappearing on its way to the plate is no trick.

It's an ILLUSION!

special thanks to Empyreal for hosting the greatest synth rock known to man

MOJO - BOS vs TB - Hair Bands Day 4

2006-04-19T15:54:00.000-04:00

Curt Schilling takes the mound today against the Devil Rays, a team who one could argue has as much bad blood with the Red Sox as the Yankees. It seems that not a series can go by without the benches clearing at least a couple of times. This week, Schilling more or less admitted that the Sox staff was intentionally throwing at batters last season.

In fact one might say that he's not going to take it. No, he's not going to take it, anymore.

Get out your heavy duty Aquanet and your industrial strength blush, it's time for a little Twisted Sister mojo. Boston will be looking to rock Doug Waechter right back onto the bench, with hopefully a nice easy blowout in their favor. After a walkoff win followed by a diving catch to save the game, perhaps the Nation has enough drama to last itself a little while. Perhaps we could turn it down a little, maybe play in such a heart attack inducing manner...

Turn it down you say
But all I got to say to you is time and time again I say No!
No! No! No!
Tell me not to play
Well, all I got to say to when you tell me not to play I say No!
No! No! No!
So, if you ask me why I like the way I play it
There's only one thing I can say to you

I Wanna Rock! (Rock!)

All right, fine guys, geez. You didn't have to yell at me.

Strap yourself in, Red Sox vs. Devil Rays is ready to continue rocking your face off. No wusses allowed.

MOJO - BOS vs TB - Hair Bands Day 3

2006-04-18T17:30:00.000-04:00

Boy, can that little ballpark sure get loud. When the Fenway faithful get rolling, their sound can be deafening. There's nothing quite like a walk-off home run to get the crowd to "Bang Their Head" and invite them to "Cum On Fell the Noize".

Too obvious? Well, whether or not I know how to be subtle, you guessed it: it's time for a Quiet Riot.

Matt Clement and Casey Fossum match up in a good ol' fashioned "beard-off".

The edge has to go to Clement, if merely for his extensive experience at wearing a beard, and for the fact that he is not Casey Fossum. The key match up of the game will be between Fossum and the left/right chin strap combo of David Ortiz and Wily Mo Pena.

And no, I don't know what Wily Mo is doing in that picture. But something tells me making out with your bat is pretty darn good mojo.

MOJO - BOS vs SEA - Hair Bands Day 2

2006-04-16T23:01:00.000-04:00

Happy Patriots Day

err... I mean

The final game of the 4 game set with Seattle is coming up, with our old left hander being replaced in the rotation by the new left hander: Lenny Dinardo. On a day recognized by Massachusetts as a holiday (no matter what the rest of the country says), The Red Sox look to make it two in a row in the annual early morning game set to begin with the Boston Marathon.

With the thousands of marathon runners making their way past the park today, the Red Sox can find inspiration from Bon Jovi, after all, there first big hit was "Runaway", and the first big hit is exactly what Manny Ramirez is still looking for.

As long as Manny doesn't try on any purple leather pants. Of course, Lenny Dinardo just might be able to pull that off.

Fire up your Casio keyboards, because the dulcet tones of New Jersey's second finest (can't disrespect the Boss) are prepared to help propel the Sox to another win.

MOJO - BOS vs SEA - Hair Bands Day 1

2006-04-16T13:17:00.000-04:00

For the past two days, despite some excellent pitching performances, the Red Sox are sitting at only 1-1 due to only managing to score 2 runs in those 2 games, both off the bat of Alex Gonzalez. The bats seem to be stuck in idle, and will need to get in gear to overcome yet another lefty on the hill: Jarrod Washburn.

And if you need someone to "Kick Start (Your) Heart", than look no further than the boys of the Crue.

Whether it's riding a "custom built bike at 103", or "sky diving naked from an aeroplane", Motley Crue knows what it means to rock. The offense lately has been getting pushed around by pitchers that, quite frankly, they shouldn't be. To steal a line from Rowdy Roddy Piper from "They Live", they need to remember that they do two things well, score runs and chew bubble gum, and last time I checked the clubhouse, they are all out of bubble gum (I think it's all on Papa Jack's head).

So when the opening strains of "Kick Start My Heart" come blaring through the Fenway PA, you'll know it's game time, and the Red Sox will be ready to rock. And if Manny has to undue his natty dreadlocks and tease up his hair with a bottle and a half of Aquanet in order to get rolling, than so be it.

MOJO - BOS vs SEA - Baseball Equipment Day 2

2006-04-15T11:08:00.000-04:00

The Sox look to be back on the right track with their 2-1 win over the Seattle Mariners. It was a brilliant pitching performance on both ends, as both Schilling and Papelbon continued the excellent starts to their seasons.

However, when all of your Runs Batted In belong to Alex Gonzalez, it usually isn't a good sign for your offence. They'll need to take a couple of extra swings today to get loose and start bringing some guys home as they are normally so adept at. And if they want to make that bat feel a bit lighter when at the plate, they are going to need some of these:

Of course, some people need the help more than others. For a little extra something to put the life back into Manny Ramirez's bat, some of this certainly wouldn't hurt:

Any he has left over he can jsut smear onto his batting helmet. Because afterall, you don't want to put too much on at once, becuase that doesn't always end well.

There's only one man left on the active roster who is new to the team, and I'm sure you are all excited to see him. In what may be the last "Totally True Factoids" (if it's been popular enough, may it will make a return, kind of like how you can bring Tinkerbell back to life if you clap loudly), we get to know JT Snow a little better.

- In order to try and maximize his value in his new role of "defensive specialist", during Spring Training Snow tried out fielding first base while wearing two mitts for a week, giving him more range to snag balls to either side of him. It proved to be just as awkward as it sounds.

- "JT"'s full name is Juventud Tennessee Snow IV.

- JT Snow spends his off-season trying to invent new things, and holds 113 patents.

- In an interview with the Globe, General Manager Theo Epstein stated that there were several needs they were hoping to fill with the signing of JT Snow. A left-handed bat off the bench, a defensively capable back-up first baseman, a veteran clubhouse presence, and someone to make sure pint-sized SS Dustin Pedroia doesn't get trampled at home plate once he gets called up.

MOJO - BOS vs SEA - Baseball Equipment Day 1

2006-04-14T15:42:00.000-04:00

Being blessed with amazing skills isn't always enough. Every player in the league gets help from some outside sources. No, not BALCO. We're talking about the little things like pine tar, glove oil and eye black. Because sometimes, you just can't hit unless you have personalized wristbands.

The Red Sox are looking to snap a two game losing streak, a pair of games marred by inconsistent (read: bad) performances by their starting pitching. Sometimes, you need to take a step off the back of the mound, catch your breath, and toss this a couple of times.

Dry those hands, take the pressure off, then step back on the mound and bear down on the hitters. That will be Curt Schilling's job tonight as the Sox square off against the Seattle Mariners.

As the season continues, the effort to meet and greet all the new members of the Boston Red Sox. Today's feature on "Totally True Factoids" isn't completely new to Boston, but is a newcomer this year: Rudy Seanez.

- The film "Rudy" starring Sean Astin is based on Rudy Seanez's life. Some minor details were changed: the real Seanez wasn't carried off the field by Notre Dame's football team, and in fact did not play football, and did not attend Notre Dame. He is also considerable larger than "five foot nothin', a hundred and nothin'". He is close friends with Charles S. Dutton, however.

- Rudy Seanez keeps in shape in the offseason by participating in the UBFC: the Ultimate Bear Fighting Championship. His record is 14-8-2.

- Rudy Seanez and Johnny Pesky are the only two people currently sitting on the Red Sox bench who have voted for Dwight Eisenhower.

- Rudy Seanez is the acting president of the Bullpen Cart Preservation Committee. The BCPC is working toward the return of the bullpen cart to major league parks. The committee was formed in 2000 by former Red Sox reliever Rich Garces.

MOJO - BOS vs TOR - Classic Arcade Games Day 1

2006-04-13T16:28:00.000-04:00

After last night's assault, it is clear that the new look Toronto offense is capable of some fireworks. They managed to drop some absolute bombs on Boston pitching last night, and it will be difficult for the staff to keep them in check today. It will be up to tonight's starter Matt Clement to exhibit the command it will take to sit down their dangerous hitters. But not just any command, he'll need some missile command.

Just like the fantastic old school arcade game, Clement has some explosive stuff, he just needs to exhibit the pinpoint control to hit his spots. In the game, if you are just off with your aim, you'll miss your target and soon you'll be getting bombed. Same goes for Clement tonight, it will take some sharp pitching to keep the Blue Jays in check.

And if that alone isn't enough, I'll provide a little extra boost to mojo: I get to attend tonight's game thanks to the incomparable Empyreal. I'll be looking forward to heckling Blue Jays third base coach Brian Butterfield.

Returning from suspension today, and latest feature in "Totally True Factoids" is one of the newer faces on the Red Sox roster, Julian Tavarez.

- Tavarez is one of the few pitchers in baseball to be credited with the creation of a new pitch: the crazyball.

- If one were to make a plaster mold of Julian Tavarez's face, and then turn it on it's side, it would provide an exact topographical relief of Mt. Hood.

- Tavarez once bit his tongue so hard, it killed the taste buds on the tip. He is now incapable of tasting sweet things. Suggesting that this lack of "sweetness" contributes to his "sour" attitude would be childish, and insensitive.

- Julian Tavarez is a rare two sport athlete. He was also on the 1997 World Champion US National Champion Cheerleading Squad.

MOJO - BOS vs TOR - Winter Wonderland Day 6

2006-04-12T17:13:00.000-04:00

The blizzard has yet to let up, as the Red Sox are off to their best start in over 50 years. Red Sox Nation is hoping to keep it going with another win over the new look Blue Jays, but not many are sure what to expect from tonight's game. Tonight's starter for the Sox will be making his season debut, and everyone in the stands are just hoping David Wells will see his shadow.

Any winning streak is difficult to sustain, especially one so early in the season. However, the Red Sox fans are hoping that David Wells can see his (considerable) shadow and help bring on six more weeks of winter. We all know that varmint can be tricky, and it will be up to the Groundhog to help the Sox come out on top. Don't bring your snow boots to the attic just yet, because a cold snap could be coming through.

With the untimely injury to Coco Crisp, a new OF is making his debut with the Red Sox. "Totally True Factoids" introduces Red Sox outfielder Dustan Mohr.

- Dustan Mohr is one of only five "Dustans" in the entire world. Ironically, he is the only one who plays professional baseball.

- In his spare time, Dustan Mohr is an avid painter. He works exclusively in the medium of "sad clown on velvet".

- In 2004, Dustan Mohr hit for the cycle. Well, not THE cycle. He grounded out once to third base, short stop, second base, first base, and the pitcher, all in a single game. Some say it is more difficult to do than the hitting for the more commonly accepted version of the "cycle", but people with that position can't explain how Edgar Renteria did it no less than 17 times in 2005 alone.

- Dustan Mohr taught Lebron James everything he knows about basketball. That is to say, he taught him everything Dustan Mohr knows. The lesson took twelve minutes, and afterwards Lebron called it "the biggest waste of time he ever endured".

MOJO - BOS vs TOR - Winter Wonderland Day 5

2006-04-11T10:08:00.000-04:00

Check the weather report, because it looks like a cold front is settling in over Boston. The Red Sox finally get to return home, and Fenway park gets to welcome them with a blanket of snow. It's too bad Duffy's Cliff is no more, because it would fit right in with today's mojo. Everyone grab the implement of snowy destruction of your choice: it's Sledding Mojo.

It doesn't matter whether you prefer an old school toboggan, an inflatable inner tube, one of the hard plastic sleds, or even if you are a college kid who stole his sled from the cafeteria, sledding is one of the best things about having snow on the ground. You could zip down the hill and slam into a tree, and it wouldn't matter because you had far too much fun doing it.

With that in mind, we get to sit back and enjoy Opening Day, which might as well be a state sponsored holiday considering how many offices and classrooms will be empty today. It doesn't even matter how well the Sox do today against the Jays (all though with new ace Josh Beckett on the mound, I like their chances), it's Opening Day and you can't help but enjoy it. Baseball is finally back in Boston, and not even a blanket of snow can ruin it.

With so many new faces around the ballpark for 2006, the effort to get to introduce them continues with new right fielder Wily Mo Pena and "Totally True Factoids".

- Wily Mo Pena uses an old school off-season training regimen similar to the one used by Sylvester Stallone in Rocky IV. However, instead of using an axe to chop wood, he uses his bare hands, and instead of carrying logs up a hill, he carries fully loaded tanker trucks.

- Wily Mo's favorite fabric is micro-suede.

- Wily Mo Pena has 20 inch biceps and a 27 inch neck. All his shirts have to be specially made.

- Don't make Wily Mo angry. You wouldn't like Wily Mo when he is angry.

- Wily Mo Pena has never used a performance enhancing drug. However, if you were to draw Wily Mo's blood and inject it, you would rapidly gain muscle mass. The Red Cross had to turn him down after transfusion patients started bench pressing their EKG machines.

MOJO - BOS @ BAL - Winter Wonderland Day 4

2006-04-09T12:16:00.000-04:00

Put your jackets on, because the forecast calls for more cold weather. As the temperature drops, the water in the clouds above slowly changes to ice. And those tiny ice crystals will combine and drop from the skies. They fall by the trillions and slowly pile up, blanketing the ground with mojo.

Today is snowflake mojo, for just as each individual flake is unique, so too is each one of Tim Wakefield's knuckleballs. After it releases his hand, it will flutter and dip just as a snowflake would in the wind, making it exceedingly difficult to hit.

Of course, snowflake mojo isn't just for Wakes, but for the offense as well. Today they face old nemesis Rodrigo Lopez, a pitcher who always gives the Red Sox fits. The key to today's game will not be the mammoth home runs (al though with some of our guys that is a distinct possibility), but the little things. Getting on base, hitting singles, taking walks. And all these little things will start to pile up until it reaches a breaking point. Until finally: an avalanche of runs.

We continue now the effort to introduce the new faces to the Sox roster, today with new Wakefield battery mate Josh Bard and "Totally True Factoids".

- Every player has different things they enjoy doing in the offseason. Josh Bard plays bass in a Quiet Riot tribute band.

- When asked which player he would most like to catch, Josh answered "John Wasdin". When asked why, he said that "with so many balls leaving the yard, Way Back makes it easy on my glove hand." He then yelled "Burn!" and high-fived everyone within arms reach.

- Josh Bard's favorite pre-game food is Chinese food. This is due to his superstition of wearing his helmet all day before a start, and the chopsticks make it much easier to get the food through the mask.

- Josh Bard has mentioned he's learned much from working with one of the game's premier catchers, Jason Varitek. His favorite practice in Spring Training was Varitek's patented "Smack the Pretty-boy Third Baseman in the Mouth" drills.

MOJO - BOS @ BAL - Winter Wonderland Day 3

2006-04-08T15:16:00.000-04:00

I hope you made an emergency trip to Stop and Shop for 10 gallons of bottled water and a 50 pound bag of dog food, because at this rate, it looks like we may get snowed in. So huddle up, because things may get colder yet, for Alaskan native Curt Schilling is taking to the mound today.

Thing are different in Alaska. The wind blows fiercer, people drive sleds instead of cars, the houses are built from ice instead of brick, and the weatherman delivers his report in degrees Kelvin. With Schilling excited to take the mound for his second start, we look at the unique Alaskan pets always excited to see their owners return. For no Alaskan home is complete, without their very own polar bear.

Polar bears are the lovable, burly inhabitants of the north, whose adorable antics allow everyone to overlook the occasional mauling. They are only found in the arctic north, but due to some weird rules on eligibility were available for the Dominican teams roster in the World Baseball Classic, so we all know they would get along great with Manny, Papi and Wily Mo. And it is this little reminder of home which will let Curt power the Red Sox over the Orioles in game 2 of the series. After all, who else would he rather win one for than his childhood pet bear, "Lou Bearhig".

Let's see the Sox freeze out the O's for another win.

With all the new faces on the roster this season, mojo has been helping you get to know the new guys with "Totally True Factoids", today featuring the new starting shortstop, Alex Gonzalez.

- Alex Gonzalez is known for his defensive prowess, however he has yet to win a Gold Glove award. To protest his lack of recognition, his manager in Florida had him wear a new glove cast in 24K gold for an April game the following season. Seventeen unearned runs and one very tired arm later and the protest was scrapped.

- Disney approached Alex Gonzalez to base a movie on the story of his life. Gonzalez was tremendously excited, and brought his entire extended family and friends to an opening screening. Everyone left confused when no one could figure out if Alex was the cowboy, the spaceman, or the talking Mr. Potato Head.

- Alex Gonzalez does not cast a shadow.

- Alex Gonzalez has an incredibly refined sense of smell. He can tell from where the wheat that made a loaf of bread came from, merely by smelling it. He has yet to find a practical application of this skill.

special thanks to empyreal and her love of polar bears

MOJO - BOS @ BAL - Winter Wonderland Day 2

2006-04-07T16:36:00.000-04:00

The frosty fun seemed to catch on in Texas, and now the team gets to take to the frozen slopes of... Maryland? Well, never say that the Red Sox aren't up for a challenge, and it will take more than physics to stop the downward fun of X-Treme Snowboarding!

It's off to Baltimore for another visit with the perennial thorns in the Red Sox' side: the Baltimore Orioles. But it will take some tubular moves and the stomping of some mondo tricks to overcome the birds tonight. If you are looking for the two dopest playas with the narliest tricks, look no further than the human lineup, David Ortiz, and tonight's starter Matt Clement.

David Ortiz is master of the big air, and if you want to wow people with your hangtime, Big Papi is the player to watch. After all, who else models their swing after a half pipe?

While Matt Clement may not have the "flava" of Ortiz, that's not his specialty. Clement is more of a downhill boarder, especially when it comes to the slalom.

It's the sweeping arcs cutting through the snow that Clement likes. Because its his cutter and filthy slider that slash left and right across the zone to cut down hitters.

The powder is fresh and the runs are clean, it's time to shred up some posers on the way to another win... to the Max!

And to continue to help get you acquainted with the new faces on the roster, here are some totally true factoids about the new starting second baseman, Mark Loretta.

- Late in 2003, while with the San Diego, Loretta was running late to the game at the ballpark. While rushing out the door, he was unable to find his clothes for the day, and in his haste he accidentally grabbed his wife's underwear. Defeated, he wore the panties, and ended up having a career day. He has worn silk panties under his uniform every day since out of superstition, and even got some of his teammates to participate the following summer, earning them the short lived nickname "The Pantied Padres".

- Loretta enjoys chewing up lengths of chain and spitting out the remnants as bullets. Not to prove he is a manly man, but just because he likes the taste of iron more than tobacco. He has been quoted as saying that if they made a rust flavored Big League Chew, he'd rather eat that as it is easier on his jaw.

- While playing the field, Loretta once made a ground ball pivot 125 degrees to the right and straight to the first baseman for a force out simply by yelling at it.

- Mark Loretta has a tattoo on his chest of a Norse warrior wielding a giant stone hammer while riding a dragon. Below it is a banner with "Onward to Valhalla" written backwards. Every morning, he does squat thrusts in front of a mirror, and uses the image as his daily motivation to pursue greatness through the Viking spirit.

MOJO - BOS @ TEX - Winter Wonderland Day 1

2006-04-05T16:19:00.000-04:00

It snowed today in Boston. Snow. In April.

You know what that means: break out your snow pants its Winter Wonderland Mojo! Look for the new guy, Josh Beckett to show off the ice that runs through his veins as he cooly breezes through the Rangers lineup, using his good heater and then freezing them with his breaking pitches. The Rangers hitters will sure to hit a cold streak when going up against him as their bats ice over and they are forced to warm the bench. Meanwhile, look for the Red Sox offense to shatter some shots into the stands and shoot frozen ropes out to to the gaps.

In case you haven't all ready guessed, today's mojo has been sponsored by the National Pun Council.

All punning aside, things are looking good for the Red Sox as they go up against right hander Kameron Loe. Because after all, what is "Loe" but simply "Lowe" without the W, a W which will belong to Josh Beckett tonight. Let's see if Manny can issue in the debut of the "Kameron Loe" face.

And lest I forget, the latest feature on "Little Known Facts about new Red Sox players" is none other than today's starter Josh Beckett.

- Scouting reports say Josh Beckett's sinker tops out at 94 mph. This is not entirely true. He can throw it much harder, but chose to dial back after it began diving so hard it burrowed under home plate, costing the league a considerable sum for replacements, as well as making it very easy for runners to steal bases as the catcher attempted to dig it out.

- Josh Beckett won the 2003 World Series MVP in the Marlins victory over the Yankees. It was this loss that sparked George Steinbrenner to steal Alex Rodriguez from the Red Sox the following offseason. A-Rod, of course, then played an integral role in the choke the following year which led to the Red Sox becoming the 2004 World Champions, earning him honorary #26 status among "the 25" so revered by Sox fans (Sully from Quincy says: "We couldn't have done it without you, Slappy."). So, in a way, Josh Beckett is directly (arguably solely) responsible for the 2004 championship.

- The television show "Quantum Leap" was based on Josh's uncle Sam, who has a doctorate in Quantum Mechanics and String Theory.

- Josh has a pet puppy named "Patches". Patches throws 93 with a decent curveball. Scouts say that if his control progresses and he can develop a third pitch, he may project to a #3 starter by the time he is 3.

- Beckett has found a new friend and mentor in veteran start Curt Schilling. During the off-season the two attempted to get to know each other better. Beckett invited Schilling to a backyard Texas BBQ, while Schilling set up Beckett as the new Paladin for his Guild in his favorite MMORPG Everquest II.

Here's to the Sox winning the first series of the season.

MOJO - BOS @ TEX - Jack Bauer Day 2

2006-04-04T17:03:00.000-04:00

The following takes place between 8 pm and 11 pm.

The opening series continues with everyone's favorite terror-buster Jack Bauer leading the way. Opening Day saw the Red Sox manhandle the Rangers like your average hooligan, and with Jack Bauer leading the way things are looking good for another good ol' fashioned romp, Bauer style.

Why so sure, you ask?

Well, Jack Bauer and tonight's starter Tim Wakefield have a little something in common.

Perpetual facial stubble. Even when he was a special advisor to the head of DoD, Jack would roll into work spouting a healthy amount of stubble. As for Wakefield, I haven't seen him clean shaven since his rookie card.

Of course, tonight's starter Vicente Padilla shares something with notorious season 4 villain Habib Marwan.

Difficulty in getting pitches past major league hitters. Today the Red Sox get to introduce Padilla to the world of the DH (and a certain someone who goes by the name Big Papi) just as Jack Bauer got to introduce Marwan to a world of pain. Sweet, patriotic pain.

In our continuing series of "Jack Bauer presents the New Guys", we present to you some factoids about new Red Sox third baseman Mike Lowell.

- It has been well reported that Mike Lowell is trying to bounce back from a sub-par season, and has tried just about everything to increase his production. The league recently rejected his bid to allow his twin brother, the switch hitting Mark Lowell, to bat from the left side during his at-bats.

- Mike Lowell's favorite food is groundballs to his left. His second favorite food is marshmallow Peeps.

- Several people have told Lowell that he looks like George Clooney. These people need prescription glasses.

- Mike Lowell came in first place in the 2005 World Staring Contest Championships. Second place: a tree.

Here's to the Sox mojo rolling on with another win, which as always, will occur in real time.

MOJO - BOS @ TEX - Jack Bauer Day 1

2006-04-03T13:06:00.000-04:00

The following takes place between 2 pm and 5 pm.

It's been a long off season for those of us in Boston. It was one that saw the loss of some key figures in the Boston landscape (Bronson Arroyo, Johnny Damon, Theo Epstein), and the introduction of some new stars (Josh Beckett, Coco Crisp, Theo Epstein). But all that is over and done with, and a new batch of 25 is taking the field to begin the 2006 season.

The mojo has always been kind to the Red Sox, and naturally, when a team finds a new strategy which helps them acheive success, the other GMs line up to copy it. From La Russa's bullpen management to Billy Beane's Moneyball (well, not really, but I don't want to onfuse Joe Morgan more than he all ready is) one good idea is never left unstolen. And sure enough, the Texas Rangers are looking to have a little mojo on their side for the opening series. None other than the most famous Texas Ranger of all: Chuck Norris.

They say everything is bigger in Texas, and it appears mojo is no different. Chuck Norris is some powerful mojo indeed, but what Texas doesn't know is that there is someone even greater than Chuck Norris working for Boston: his name is Jack Bauer, and this is the longest day of his life.

The battle between Bauer and Norris has been raging for some time on the interweb, with no decisive winner. But Texas clearly doesn't know what it's getting itself into. Jack Bauer brings certain things to the table, and it's these same qualities which will let the Sox win.

1) STAMINA: One season of 24 lasts a full twenty four hours. In that time, have you ever seen Jack stop to have a meal, take a nap, or use the men's room? The man subsists entirely on a diet of water, gun oil and dead terrorists. He's been shot, had bones broken, been beaten unconcious and had heart failure, and it hasn't ever stopped him from getting the job done. Even if you manage to kill him, he won't stay dead for long. Jesus died and rose back to life in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour, and he's done it twice.

It's this stamina, especially from today's starter the newly healed Curt Schilling, which will allow the Red Sox to outlast the Rangers for the duration of the game.

2) RELENTLESSNESS: Jack Bauer doesn't know the meaning of the word quit. As long as there is a terrorist out there to stop, he will be kicking down doors and shouting "CTU!" until they are stopped.

It is this same relentlessness which allows the Red Sox offense to be so effective. Every guy in the lineup can work the count, put the ball in play, and be getting on base and moving runners along. It's that never say die attitude which lets them be so effective in bringing runners home.

3) INEVITIABILITY: A recently apprehended terrorist is chained to a chair. Jack Bauer walks in, and he knows the terrorist has information he needs. What are the odds that he isn't going to find a way to get it? Is -0% a number? And don't you get that same feeling of "oh man, this is bad news for this guy" for the opposing pitcher when the game is late and David Ortiz is striding to the plate? I know I do, that big man is just trouble.

Of course, while the laundry remains the same, some of the names on the back are different. This is something Jack Bauer can help with as well, for just as you can find factoids for Jack Bauer, so too can you find them for some of the new faces in the Red Sox Clubhouse. Today, it's the new CF Coco Crisp.

-Many have noticed that Coco Crisp wears his hat crooked to the side. Most don't realize that this is a reminder: never make eye contact with Coco Crisp.
-Coco was named not for a tasty breakfast cereal, but after late-80s wrestler Koko B. Ware, who was known for his brightly colored costumes and signature pet bird. His parents were big fans of professional wrestling, but not of spelling.
-Crisp is one of the few players in the league which can bring both power and speed to the plate. To warm up for games, he practices by robbing himself of home runs. Fans who saw him the last time Cleveland came to Fenway argued which were more impressive: the sprints from home plate to the 420 marker in the triangle, or the climbing up the ladder in LF to catch them off the top of the Monster.
-Coco Crisp is often complemented on his smooth complextion and creamy skin. His secret: a bathtub full of peanut butter.
-The Red Sox instituted a new policy this season: no seats in the first two rows of center field are sold to female fans. This is because Coco Crisp is so potent, they run the risk of pregnancy.

The hometown team is finally retaking the field, lets see them start the season out with a win.

Mojo runs year round

2006-04-02T23:48:00.000-04:00

Lest anyone thinks I take the responsibility of writing Mojo lightly, fear not, for I give the careful consideration something of such dramaic importance deserves. With that in mind, you never want to start the season cold, so I asked the members of RSN.net if there was anything they could use some Mojo for that I could use for my own Spring Training. Here's what they had:

From Preacher:

"I have an exam this Friday and a paper due next Friday, then spring break. I need some mojo to help get through the next two weeks. After that it's Spring Break, baby!"

The dreams of living the good life are pretty common. Every one wants the chance to relax in the sun with a drink prominently featuring an umbrella. For some, those dreams are a little closer to reality, clutching their tickets in hand for Cozumel, or Daytona, or some other warm, humid place where “wind chill” means something featuring juice and liquor (more one than the other). But these trips don’t come free, and it’s the hard work that goes into them, whether it’s working overtime to cover the cost or doing your school work so you can enjoy it with a clean conscious, which makes them so enjoyable.

With this in mind, we turn to the grizzled spirit of those who too had great dreams of living the good life, and were ready to do the back-breaking labor for the chance to get it: it’s Prospector Mojo.

Thousands made the rush out west in the mid-19th century in hopes of striking pay dirt and living the good life, as financed by some shiny nuggets of gold. Prospectors, with their grizzled beards and the confusing language all their own (consarn it), could pan a river for weeks, or pick through tons of rock in hopes of hitting pay dirt. It is this willingness to trudge through a lifetime of rough manual labor in the hopes of getting those little nuggets to make your dreams come true.

The prospector lives on, but instead of a pan and pickaxe, it’s a laptop and a #2 pencil. And it’s not gold you are hoping for, but the peanut butter and chocolate like combination of beer and boobs. Keep mining away, young Preacher, because it’s only a matter of time before you strike gold.

Hope that helps get you through to Spring Break, Preacher.

---

From Kettleer:

"NU- My school's basketball team is starting the conference tournament tonight. We havent had a winning season in 12 years and all of a sudden this year our new coach turned it around and now the Coastal Carolina Chanitcleers are the two seed in the Big South tournament. If we win this thing I am taking a much dreamed of road trip to a NCAA tournament city. We need the MOJO!"

If you aren’t familiar with the Chanticleers (pronounced SHON-ti-clears), well, you are not alone. Count me as one unfamiliar with the small South Carolina university, located right near Myrtle Beach. However, with a name like “Chanticleers”, it very quickly grew on me.

For those not “in the know” the Chanticleer name comes from Chaucer's Canterbury Tales. More specifically, he comes from the Nun's Priest Tale, a story within Canterbury Tales. The Chanticleer is a proud and fierce rooster who dominates the barnyard. A philistine like myself might not identify with the reference so well, so instead I draw upon a different pop culture rooster: Egghead Jr.

Egghead Jr. was a little chicken with a mighty big brain. Smarter than everyone else, his vast knowledge (far beyond his age group, not to mention his species group) proved to be a great asset. Not only could he crunch numbers with the best of them, but would routinely apply them to excel at sports.

He quickly outlasted and outperformed his sporting mentor, despite the fact that this rooster was far his senior. Due to his diminutive size and lack of experience, he was overlooked and dismissed, but he could far outperform these expectations. He may not have been a big rooster, but he sure played like one. And if this weren’t enough, Egghead’s mentor was not only famous in his own right, he even played basketball with one of the greatest Carolina college players of all time, on the All-Star Tune Squad.

A little championship pedigree never hurt anyone (just ask the Mon-Stars). And, I do say, neither did a little bit of true Southern gentleman/rooster charm.

Just like the overlooked and disrespected Egghead Jr., it is time for the Chanticlears to shine. Here’s to the continuation of their Cinderella season and the chance to earn a bid into March Madness.

Go Chants!

---

From rominer:

"It rains roughly 5-6 times a year in L.A.

I have roughly 4-5 BBQs a year.

It rains at roughly 3 of these.

I am having a BBQ on Saturday.

We got about 4 1/2 feet of rain yesterday.

The 10-day forecast calls for rain on four of the next ten days.

As you may have gathered, I need BBQ mojo. Or dry weather mojo. I just need mojo, dammit."

For pleasing weather, I present to you: Elita Loresca Mojo.

She's the weather forecaster for Channel 7 out of Fort Lauderdale. And she seems as pleasent and friendly as I hope the forecast treats you this weekend.

For an excellent BBQ, I present some Grill Mojo

Some mojo for you to put on a show with your grill that people won't soon forget. And since I am such a fan of the smoked/flame grilled varitey of meats, some extra sauce mojo. Because as Papi (and maybe SSA) would say: You need more flava.

If my mojo works, have a beer for me. If it doesn't... have 6-10 beers for me, however many it takes you to think grilling in the rain is a perfectly reasonable idea.

---

From Tessie:

"OK NU...I need some MAJOR mojo. The DH and I have been house hunting for close to a year and either haven't found anything in our price range or anything that we liked. That is until today. We looked at a house that I really, really love. Lots of space (for guests), pool, great location, etc.

So now we're getting ready to make an offer, talk to banks, etc. All that ugly stuff where things can go wrong.

I need some big time finger crossing, good luck.

So get to work man !!!! If your mojo works, you'll have a free place to stay in the Virgin Islands."

Given that any place Tessie and her hubby live on the Virgin Islands, I would imagine that any one of them would be nice. Especially when compared to the negative degree wind chills we’ve had up north all week. This doesn’t mean, however, that Tessie should not want to move on up, perhaps to the East Side. Someone as wonderful as Tessie deserves to live in a deluxe apartment in the sky. She and her husband deserve to move on up and perhaps finally get themselves a piece of that pie.

Of course, the plan was to subtly continue making references to establish some Jeffersons Mojo, but Jeffersons Mojo is just too damn fun to keep down. That theme song just happens to be one of those things that is far too fun sing. So, if you’ll allow me to indulge myself, I’d like to flip down my goggles and sing some karaoke Dave Chappelle style:

Fish don't fry in the kitchen;
Beans don't burn on the grill.
Took a whole lotta tryin'
Just to get up that hill.
Now we're up in the big leagues
Gettin' our turn at bat.
As long as we live, it's you and me baby
There ain't nothin’ wrong with that.

Well we're movin’ on up (movin’ on up),
To the east side.
To a deluxe apartment in the sky.
Movin’ on up (movin’ on up)
To the east side.
We finally got a piece of the pie.

I’m smiling just TYPING that out, much less getting to sing it out loud. And that’s what Tessie’s mojo is all about, being so irrepressibly fun that you just can’t ignore it (not to mention generous, I am still amazed at the picking up of one particularly hefty bar tab, it took five guys with lab coats, clip boards and safety glasses four and a half hours to tabulate that thing). It is this attitude which means Tessie deserves, no, I take that back, is OWED a swinging new pad to live in. If anyone should get a bigger slice of the pie, it’s this woman, and don’t think mojo hasn’t noticed.

Of course, having earned a new house and actually being able to purchase it are two very different things. Which is why for such a daring endeavor we need not one but two bits of mojo. And the second one comes courtesy of Chris Matthews.

Hardball Mojo says when the time comes to sit down and nail down the details: don’t be afraid to (fiscally) kick some ass, deal out an severe amount of (economic) punishment, and to maybe make a few people your own personal bitches (with a low APR). Make sure you go in there and take no prisoners and/or unreasonable down payments.

Here’s hoping mojo can help get you in to that new dream home, and in turn, get me in to that very same home. I may have to take you up on that offer visit the Virgin Islands some time… it sounds nice there, all though it’s hard to say exactly what it is that is so appealing. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go put on eight extra layers of clothing to walk across the street to buy a beverage.

---

From PineTarHelmet:

"I'd like some 21st birthday mojo, if you could do so "

TWENTY FIRST BIRTHDAY MOJO

Our own little Piney is going through a right of passage today: from angry, profanity laden "What Annoys You" posts to angry, drunken, profanity laden "What Annoys You" posts. Of course, a 21st birthday is certainly nothing to be taken likely. In fact, to help guide you through tonight's festivities safely, I would suggest bringing along a helpful guide to make the most of today. And who better than someone who shares March 5 for a birthday: Dean Stockwell, better known as Dr. Sam Beckett's hologram guide Al from "Quantum Leap".

Now clearly, it being the big 2-1 for you, you are going to be drinking. Bar hopping is a time honored tradition, and you would be remiss to not have such an experience. The best part about it being your birthday is that you shouldn't have top buy yourself a drink all evening. Of course, don't forget birthday etiquette: you have to drink whatever anyone puts in front of you.

Ziggy says as long as you put a good faith effort to down all the drinks put your way, there is a 92% chance you'll have a great time. Of course, there is a 43% chance you won't remember it.

So remember, heed the advice of Peter Griffin, just keep drinking until you can't feel feelings anymore. You cover that, and that's pretty much all you need for a great 21st.

Happy Birthday Piney, hope this birthday brings you good times, plenty of booze, and maybe even a little action from cute A's fan... who is hopefully more appealing (and less scary) than Bobby Kielty.

---

Mojo looks out for the residents of RSN, even in the offseason. Season starts tomorrow, and I couldn't be more excited.

Everybody's Laughing

2006-03-27T12:19:00.000-05:00

It's been an abnormally good Monday and I figure I'll see if I can spread the good cheer with things that are keeping me enthused about life, chief among them: the new gum commercial "starring" Hailey Duff.

The commercial spot features Hailey with her sister Hillary (Hillary is the girl on the left, Hailey is the unpopular horse on the right.) The gum commercial in question is for the new Ice Breakers gum that comes in cubes. So it is Hailey Duff promoting treats that are basically cubes of sugar, and the catch phrase of the ad is "Woah, Nelly!". They might as well have fed her a carrot at the end of the spot. Remember to keep your palm flat with your fingers back so Hailey doesn't accidentally bite your fingers off.

As if Hailey Duff stamping out math equations for my own amusement wasn't enough, I got one of life's small pleasures today: something in the mail. Even better, it was something both unexpected and wanted (unlike jury duty, like my brother got for the US District Court): my old job sent me a mysterious check for $200. I haven't worked there in 6 months, and I didn't have paid sick days or vacation time, so that couldn't be it either. The only possible answer is that they simply felt they had short changed me $200. I'm going to cash this check before they change their mind.

And if free money weren't enough to brighten someone's day: baseball season is less than a week away. An offseason kept busy with MLB 06: The Show and fantasy baseball drafting will finally give way to honest to goodness games. I enjoyed the WBC (go Republica Dominica!), but nothing beats seeing the Red Sox take the field. And speaking of fantasy baseball, I all ready have 3 teams ready to roll, with one more draft and one auction league slated for the end of the week, for 5 teams in total. This was after I said I was going to cut back from 4 last season.

What can I say, I'm weak, and I just can't say no to anything that looks like a fun baseball league. It certainly doesn't help that drafting may be my favorite part of the season (second only to "stomping down chumps who oppose me").

Posting will pick up again once Mojo season resumes. Until then, you are stuck with my unpredictable bouts of literacy.

How Not to Be a Jerk Bag

2006-02-24T22:12:00.000-05:00

The fantasy season is upon us, and my first draft of the season is a scant 11 hours away. This is not to say I haven't had an eventful fantasyoff-seasonn. In fact, I've been participating in two active year round leagues (one franchise, one keeper) to keep myself busy on the fantasy front. Nothing helps pass those dreary December months than working your own personal hot stove. Of course, there is one detriment to trading players in fantasy baseball (and in fact, all things) which can inhibit my enjoyment of the American National Fantasy Past Time (as opposed to the French one, which involves Melissa Theuriau). That limitation: some people are jerks.

It seems some people just don't know proper etiquette. What is wrong with kids these days? So, if I may, I'd like to take this time to be your own personal Miss Fantasy Manners. I'll be talking about fantasy baseball here, but most of these will apply pretty universally. So, without further ado: NU50's Guide To Not Being a Douchebag (New FLB Player Edition)

1. Assume your trading partner is at least as smart as you, if not smarter.
This is not to say that every owner is smart. There are plenty of folks out there who have agreed to some pretty awful trades. Whether it's due to fanboyism ("I'll give you Johan Santana to be able to have Tim Wakefield and Mike Timlin pitch for me!!!"), infatuation with "name" players ("Sammy Sosa, he's still a good round 3 pick, right?"), or just plain ignorance ("Jhonny Peralta? What a lame name... sure you can have him for Corey Patterson, what do I care"), stupid trades can and will be agreed to. If you can manage to pull one off incongratulationsll congradulations, you have a bright future in being a ringer in the Special Olympics.

However, it's one thing to have a trade like this fall into your lap. It's entirely another to go out looking for that deal. When you come up to me and offer a deal where I'm giving up one of my stars for 30 cents on the dollar, you are telling me you think I am stupid enough to take it. Most people don't appreciate being considered stupid, myself among them. It's a real quick way to be written off as someone who is impossible to trade with. Which leads right into...

2. Don't burn any bridges.
This goes for both sides of a trade. If you propose a deal, and if for whatever reason the other owner doesn't like it, don't start name calling. Likewise, if you don't like a deal, don't start spouting off. Just because a deal isn't there to be made now doesn't mean you won't find something that works with that owner later. Unless last time you started dropping f-bombs at a trade not working. It might feel pretty good at the time (especially if they are violating point #1), but it can only hurt your team in the long run.

3. Put the effort in.
There are few things more frustrating than trying to deal with someone who just doesn't bother. If someone takes the time to construct a trade offer, at least take the time to respond. If you don't like it, make a counter offer, or at least toss them a couple of sentences explaining why. This goes the other way too, if you are going to ask about a player, think of a couple of deals ahead of time to offer. It is pretty annoying when you are asked for a star player, and then have to do all the work in reading the other team's roster to find a potential match, especially since you were not the one initially looking to trade.

4. Be patient.
It is rare that a deal is made without some back and forth, and every permutation may mean having to read more scouting reports. When you present an idea, give the other owner time to read up and see what the new parameters may involve. This may not always be necessary, as some owners are more "shoot from the hip" GMs, but a real easy way to have someone reject your proposals is to keep pestering them to hurry up.

And there you have a handy guide to not be a tool in only half the steps it takes to make a bland sitcom. Sure, this may not be the most entertaining article I've written (which is saying something), but I consider it a public service. I'm pretty sure I can use this towards credit on my community service for my brief infatuation with Ashlee Simpson. Yeah... I don't know what I was thinking there. I don't dislike her with quite the ferocity of some (her dad on the other hand...), but now I wonder why I ever bothered with her with the likes of Jessica Biel, Kelly Barons and Kari Byron populating the Earth.

**sigh** ...Kari Byron.

If my love for Kari Byron was made of paper clips, you could link them into a chain that would circle the equator six and a half times.

I Will Rock Your Faaaaace!

2006-02-08T19:37:00.000-05:00

My posting schedule has never been what one would consider "frequent"... or even "adequate". There are plenty of reasons for this, good ones too. Things like laziness, apathy, lethargy... you get the idea. Understand, this is by no means evidence of any contempt for you, the readers of this site and my many fans (I'm talking about you Joanna, and maybe Ben... and that's probably it). Quite the contrary, if any this is a blog for the people. However, if I have one true weakness it is this: shiny things. What can I say, I am easily distracted. So it's time for me to make the shiny things work for me, and introduce what will hopefully become a new running segment: "Buy Stuff", a look at whatever is captivating my attention these days.

For the first installment of this new feature, we turn to my run away favorite Playstation 2 game of 2005: Guitar Hero.

I've always been a fan of music games, especially ones by developer Harmonix. I have both Frequency and Amplitude and highly recommend both, as well as Mad Maestro, a quickly little game where the gameplay revolves around conducting symphonies. I've also played my fair share of Donkey Konga, but that is another post all together. However, despite a game design centered around the traditional music/rhythm game style (press buttons in sequence that correspond to notes), there is one aspect that makes Guitar Hero really stand out: the guitar controller.

Music games using the traditional game pad have always been fun, but they simply can't hold a candle to putting on the guitar and having at it. Having never actually played a REAL guitar before, the experience is a revelation. It is hard to believe, but the game actually makes you feel like rocking out-- hard. I would be lying if I said that when time I play it I don't have an urge to jump on my couch and start doing the windmill like Pete Townsend of the Who. The only thing that's stopping me is the adverse affect on my score.

The cause of such a euphoric rock feeling isn't just the gameplay (which is rock solid), but the style of the game. You work your way up through venues, from basement party to sold out stadium, and every stop on the way is a vibrant environment to play in. Your character (there are 6 to choose from, from punk rawk chick to 60s groover to heavy metal dude) plays with gusto and will even interact with other members of the band. The crowds are electric... when you are playing well. Of course, screw up and they boo you. The entire production is incredibly fun to experience. Especially when you get to the larger shows and you start getting lights and pyros synched up to your show.

Of course, with a game like this no amount of style or gameplay can save it from having a shitty soundtrack. Worry not, all you need to do is check out this lineup:

Audioslave
The Ramones
Jimi Hendrix
Cream
Pantera
Boston
Franz Ferdinand
Queen
David Bowie
Queens of the Stone Age
Black Sabbath
White Zombie
Deep Purple
Judas Priest
Bad Religion

Now mind you, this is by no means a comprehensive list. There are 30 tracks to play, and another 17 bonus tracks after that. The one crucial thing that they needed to get right for this game to work they absolutely nailed.

Of course, there is one added bonus to this game which pushed it absolutely over the top to a game which I consider indispensable: it is more or less based in Boston. Your first venue is a little bar on Landsdowne, then you move up to a newer, larger club on Mass Ave, and work your way all the way to a "Great Woods" like festival and finally a sold out show at the Garden. And if that weren't enough, a lot of the bonus tracks are local bands. If you are a fan of the Boston music scene at all, you absolutely need this game.

Clearly, I have all ready talked too long about this game. It is fantastic. Anyone who has tried it has absolutely loved it, and it's easy enough to learn that even my Mom placed a high score. You are doing yourself, and your country, a disservice by not owning this game. And if you are one of those crybabies who says they don't want it because they don't own a Playstation 2, well suck it up and go buy one. Getting one used won't cost you that much, and you seriously have no idea what you are missing out on. Why are you still reading this? Run to your preferred local places of businesses all ready. This game isn't going to rock itself out.

Pats vs. Broncos - Running Log

2006-01-15T00:02:00.000-05:00

With the Patriots playing in the AFC Divisional playoffs in Denver today, I figured I’d take a page out of the “Bill Simmons” playbook and keep a running log. We’ll see if I can make it not too boring.

8:10 – It’s “10 minutes after kickoff time”, i.e. still showing CBS promos time. Nice use of the Queens of the Stone Age. I always liked CBS promos more than Fox’s, and 90% of that is musical catalog. Fox seems intent on using puns in their song choice, and I have no doubt in my mind that today’s would have been set to “Rocky Mountain High”. Good omen for today’s game: the Queens of the Stone Age tune makes liberal use of the cowbell. You can never have enough cowbell.

8:14 – And let’s go to the field for……. Bonnie Bernstein? That’s the new kicker right? No? You want to tell me how Tom Brady is confident? Well ok.

8:17 – Finally. Hobbs returns to the 25, it’s game time.

8:18 – Dillon out, Faulk in on the 2^nd play of the series (8 yard pass to Branch over the middle). Looks like the Pats will be wanting to test the pass defense early.

8:19 – Well, looks like I don’t know what I’m talking about, screen to the fallback and a run to the left with Dillon on the next two plays, 3^rd and 6. (Make that 3^rd and 11 after the false start). So they aren’t committing to the pass yet, but the way this series has looked so far, they may have to.

8:21 – A nice punt by Miller. Man, do I not miss the days of Ken Walter. Not even a little bit. There was that game in 04 against Miami in the snow that they brought in a walk on punter and benched Walter (I think his name was Brooks, clearly I have a crack research team), who punted 10 times in high wind and had a pretty good game… well, as good a game a punter can have at least. And sure enough, next week he was cut and Walter was back. It reminds me of Terry Francona trotting out guys like Embree and Millar all season, no matter the level of suckitude. Of course, Terry Francona probably would have made Walter the slot receiver before benching him.

8:24 - Time to see if having Seymour, Bruschi, and some competent DBs make as big a difference as everyone thinks they will.

8:25 - What just happened at the start of that series? 1^st and 10. Denver false start. 1^st and 14. A 4 yard penalty? Does that make sense to anybody else?

8:26 – Nice catch on the run by Tim Dwight after the 3 and out. Oh boy more commercials! **eye roll**

8:27 – I spoke too soon. I really like this Nextel commercial with the guys dancing to Salt n Pepa. Push it real good.

8:29 – CBS is making liberal use of the “SkyCam”, which has grown pretty popular now on NFL telecasts. ESPN even has a “SkyCam play of the game”. I think I’m the only one who remembers that it was Vince McMahon’s XFL who came up with that. So Tammy Maddox and the SkyCam, you decide which one was the greater gift.

8:31 – Third false start of the game, so the crowd is doing its job. Of course, one of those was for Denver, so they haven’t quite figured out the subtleties of being a good home field crowd yet (let your own QB hear himself, geniuses). Best stadium fans I’ve seen at that: Penn State. 110,000 fans and you can hear field action from the nosebleeds on the offensive series. Coolest/creepiest thing I’ve ever seen at a stadium.

8:34 – Looks like Belichek will go for it on 4^th and 1. A little too close to punt, a little too far to kick, a bit risky but not a terrible call.

8:35 – Brady going with 5 wide, no one in the backfield? Bwah? Pressure causes Brady to throw behind Fauria. I was almost expecting a QB sneak there. But I guess that’s just further evidence I don’t know what I’m talking about.

8:40 – Denver gets one first down, then get stopped up. Defense looking pretty good so far. A little concerning that Bruschi was replaced with Chad Brown on third down.

8:42 - Brady and the offense will be pinned at the 4, now would be a good time to get a sustained drive. I’d consider a field goal a victory.

8:43 – So Wendy’s is all about “building your own burgers” now, according to their commercials. Except, due to the bad season down south, my local Wendy’s have been running out of tomatoes, which makes for a very bland burger. So now I can say Hurricane Katrina has directly affected me. I’ll be applying for Red Cross relief next week.

8:45 – Brady has to call timeout with the play clock winding down. Offense seems to have trouble getting into gear. They better figure it out sometime soon, because the defense isn’t going to shutout Denver all day.

8:48 - And Brady tosses it to nobody. The Patriots really need a big play to quiet the fans down, be it a turnover or a big offensive play.

8:51 - And an offside allowing a rekick, and it backs them up about 20 yards from where they had it previously. Of course, a pass to Lelie gets the Broncos right back across the 50.

8:53 – End of the first quarter, no score yet. Ho-hum.

8:55 – Another playoff promo, this one using a riff from the Killers. I don’t know who is selecting this music, but I approve.

8:56 - A great catch by Rod Smith for 15 yards, and Denver has the best field position of the night. Defense needs a stop here on 3^rd and 7 to hold them to a long FG try.

8:58 – Incomplete throw on 3^rd down, but the hold gives them another shot and they need 17 yards. The decision backfires as the TE catches a 24 yard pass. I’m second guessing him there, as I wouldn’t have accepted the penalty and let the try the 40+ yarder. That’s a pretty rare occurrence. Ron Borges I am not.

9:01 – 3^rd and inches from the 3. I have no idea what Denver will try this play. There, I said it.

9:02 – Stuffed up the middle and Denver takes a timeout. Not out of the woods yet, but that last play was a big one.

9:04 – Tom Selleck and Steven Baldwin in the same TV movie! I am there! And someone really needs to pass a law that requires Tom Selleck to have his Magnum P.I. mustache at all times. That goatee just isn’t working.

9:06 - Incomplete to Lelie in the end zone, as he is smothered by Asante Samuel. Pats take over on downs. That was quite the goal line stand. Once again, they’ll start backed up against their own end zone, let’s hope they can get something going this time.

9:08 – Thinking back over the last Denver offensive series, it seems almost every Jake Plummer pass is a bit off the mark. They are sailing wide, dropping low, or floating overhead. I wonder if one will sail enough for a pick soon.

9:10 – Another false start, this one getting rid of a possible first down. Going to need another big kick from Josh Miller.

9:11 – And another 50+ yard punt. Nicely done.

9:13 – The Pats need to start getting more pressure on Plummer. He’s having the time to make nice calm throws. He’s Jake Plummer, don’t let him do that.

9:15 - The Asante Samuel interception ruled out of bounds. This needs a challenge from Belichek… and it’s going to get one. This might get overturned. Regardless of the outcome, this was a real good play by Samuel.

9:19 – Overturned. 1^st and 10 on the 11. Not only a turnover, but despite being deep in their own territory, it’s still better than the field position on the last two drives.

9:20 – OH MY! Champ Bailey allows a long 51 yard pass play to Andre Davis. I’ve always thought Champ Bailey is one of the more overrated defenders in the league. He’s good, but every so often he’ll have a game where he gets worked on and give up tons of yards. One was last season against Oakland on ESPN Sunday night. It was snowing, and he still got (I think) 3 long pass plays for TDs thrown on him.

9:24 – Timeout called on 3^rd and 7. Patriots in field goal range. Even without a 1^st down, the Pats should come away with some points.

9:27 – Vinateiri drives one through, and that’s the first score of the game. A scary kick, but it gets the job done.

9:30 – Samuel almost gets another one. He’s had a pretty solid 1^st half so far… man I hope I didn’t just jinx him.

9:31 – And the Broncos have to punt. Pats get the ball back with about 2:45 left. It would be nice to see a drive here to get some more points before halftime.

9:32 – Pinned inside the 10 again. This field position is getting a little absurd.

9:33 - A quick pass to Givens and good run by Dillon on first down gets the Patriots out of a hole at the two minute warning. A ten point lead at halftime sure would be nice.

9:35 – How is it that Jon Cryer is still gainfully employed? Has he had any memorable performance since Ducky?

9:36 - Faulk coughs up a fumble. Crap on a crap cracker. Denver has the ball at the NE 40.

9:36 – If this is a late pass interference flag, it is completely ridiculous.

9:37 - Watching the replay, that is an absolutely terrible call. Lelie interfered with Samuel more than the other way around (Lelie grabbed his left arm while Samuel was looking for the ball). And now Anderson goes in for the TD. Late Christmas present for Denver.

9:38 – On a lighter note, apparently the Denver Cheerleaders are dressed as slutty Army officers. There’s something I never thought I’d see.

9:40 - And the kicker of all people causes a fumble on the kickoff. This could be a really awful final two minutes of the first half.

9:44 - Pats got them at a 3^rd and 3. Plummer passes incomplete, which means the clock stops. FG try, and the pats should have a chance to get the ball back regardless.

9:46 – Elam just barely gets the 50 yarder. The Pats will need a big return here if they want to try and get some points before half. Without a big return, this should be the score at halftime.

9:49 – Not that big of a return. Brady takes a knee. Score is DEN 10 NE 3. Not what I was hoping to see. It will be interesting to see what adjustments teams will make heading for the second half. This score could be a lot worse if it weren’t for the goal line stop and the Asante Samuel pick. I’ll take 10-3 over 17-3 or even 24-3 with no hesitation.

9:55 – They just replayed the Samuel interference call. I still think it was absolutely terrible, and it looks like Boomer agrees with me. Which means nothing, of course. What kind of nickname is “Boomer” anyway? No punch line, I just think it’s a silly nickname.

10:03 – Phil Simms is wearing a pink shirt and tie? I half expect that next time they cut back to him his collar will be popped.

10:06 – The Patriots force a quick three and out after another off the mark Plummer pass. The defense has been playing a real good game. If the offense can get it going on this drive, the Pats are right back in it.

10:10 – Pats drive it to midfield. The pass protection is starting to come together. It’s going to have to continue if the Pats want to come away with some more scoring this drive.

10:11 - Drills it to David Givens. Into Denver territory. I am now officially getting antsy.

10:15 – They drive deep enough for a 33 yard FG attempt by Vinatieri. Might as well be a XP, as it sails right through with no trouble. Denver’s lead is now cut to 4. With a quarter and a half left, this may be setting the stage for another late Brady led comeback. I’d rather see them get ahead and stay ahead, I don’t need a heart attack before I’m 25.

10:19 – Wow, there are a lot of commercials.

10:21 – It makes me happy that the snapshot CBS uses for Plummer’s player photo is the one with the goofy porn stache. He looks more like the creepy old guy in the Florida bar during spring break, hitting on the college coeds than he does an NHL QB.

10:24 – Mike Vrabel gets the sack on 3^rd down. Vrabel may be my favorite Pats player, he has been for a couple of years now. And not just because of his totally sweet number.

10:27 – Nice Sony ad with the Cal –Stanford reenactment using Electric Football. I especially liked the last player sweeping out all the little cardboard band players.

10:28 – First play, to Troy Brown for 33 yards. Second play, a flea flicker to Branch for another 26 yards. Nice quick strikes, looks like Brady is starting to take over against the Broncos pass defense.

10:30 – In the time it took me to write that, it’s 1^st and goal at the 5. This is quite the drive they are putting together.

10:33 – Oh no, Champ Bailey intercepts Brady in the end zone. Ben Watson came out of nowhere to lay a killer hit on the one yard line. Belichek is challenging… something. The ball going inside the pylon, I guess. I don’t really know what difference that makes.

10:35 – Oh, it’s a touchback for NE if it goes inside. Wow, that would be a ridiculous change of possession.

10:37 – Ruling on the field stands. The team needs a big stop now, otherwise they are going to be down by 11.

10:38 – So much for that idea. It’s going to take some heroics for this game to end in the Patriots favor.

10:43 – I wonder just how often Lindsey Jacobellis really is recognized on the street. I’d be surprised if it even happens that often on the ski slopes.

10:45 – McGinnest shoving Larry Izzo on the sideline. I wonder what that was all about.

10:47 – Patriots are on the move again. They need a TD here to keep the pressure off for their next possession. A TD and a 2-point conversion makes the difference only a field goal.

10:51 – Vinatieri misses the 43 yarder, his first miss in the 4^th/OT in 22 attempts. The defense needs to get the ball back as soon as possible, the Patriots can’t afford to go down by anymore points.

10: 53 – A bear trap? Brilliant!

10:55 – Why is the clock running, wasn’t Lelie pushed out of bounds at the 50? Bwah? I have no idea what’s going on anymore.

10:59 – Pats get the stop at 3^rd and 2, they’ll be getting the ball back needing two scores. Hopefully they won’t be pinned quite as deep as they have been.

11:00 – And they fumble the fair catch, Broncos ball on the 15. Special teams is normally such a hallmark of Patriots football has been pretty ugly all game. In fact, it may cost them the game.

11:03 – Another Broncos TD, this one a pass to Rod Smith. The Pats now need Heroics with a capital H.

11:08 - Looks like the Patriots aren’t going quietly. The first play is a 73 yard completion to Branch. Hot damn.

11:10 – TD pass to David Givens. That TD took 33 seconds to score. The defense needs to get the ball back to give Brady and the offense to get two more scores. Looks like my hope of avoiding that heart attack may have been a little premature.

11:15 – Third and 1. If the Pats can’t stop them here, they may run out of time.

11:16 – They get the first down, but then are stuffed for no gain on the next play. Clock still winding down.

11:18 – The Pats force a 4^th and 2. A kick makes it a 14 point game. Shanahan may decide to go for it. Either way, I may have an aneurism.

11:20 – Kick is good. Pats need two touchdowns to force OT. Time to see exactly how many miracles Tom Brady has left in that arm.

11:22 – Another bad place to start a drive. They’ll have to drive around 90 yards, and they’ll still need another score after that one. Things are not looking good.

11:24 - Givens isn’t getting up after that play. Not what we needed right now. He is at least walking off under his own power.

11:26 - But the Brady INT really wasn’t needed. This one is pretty much over.

11:30 – Plummer taking a knee. So much for 3 in a row. This has still been a hell of a run, and it’s been a pleasure watching this team at its peak. Congratulations to the Broncos. Sure, seeing the Pats lose is no fun, but considering how things have gone since 2001, I’ve got no right to complain. And I won’t. Of course, now I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself until pitchers and catchers report… when does the rollerball season start?

Abbreviated Discontinuance

2005-12-15T08:00:00.000-05:00

Well, the long search for a new Red Sox GM is over, as the Front Office found their men in farm director Ben Cherington and assistant GM Jed Hoyer. If I may say so, I think they hired the wrong New Hampshire native. Of course, like a professional, I choose to accept this disappointment with grace and humility. In this case, grace and humility means getting blasted on cheap beer and drunk dialing half my phone book. Which reminds me: who’s ever porch that was and who's plants I “over-saturated” to death… sorry, my bad. In my defense, your dog dared me to do it, and he can be very convincing.

Of course, despite this minor misstep on the Front Office’s part, this does not mean I have soured on my favorite team. It will take more than denying me complete control over baseball operations to sway me. Unless of course, some other team wanted to give me their GM position (I’m looking at you, Cincinnati). But I digress. I can’t help but notice that your new management has made some deals to create another vacancy within the organization which I could fill for you. Gentlemen, say hello to your new starting shortstop.

Now it may seem counter intuitive to pick up an undrafted free agent (who hasn’t played organized baseball since Little League fifteen years ago) and plug him into your starting lineup, but I have many things going in my favor. First of all, I will be incredibly inexpensive. Not only will I work for the major league minimum, but I will offer to use half of my salary to keep any resident superstars happy. I’ll be more than happy to be the guy to take Manny Ramirez out for hot fudge sundaes whenever he feels pressured. I’d be great in the clubhouse, and that will help the performance of the entire team. After all, if Kevin Millar could be kept around for his clubhouse qualities, I feel I can do just what he did, but look better doing it. Four out of five women I didn’t bother to poll said I am far more attractive than Millar. My secret: I like wearing the high socks. Women love a man who looks sharp in high socks.

Of course, marketing is important to the team ownership, and with Millar now gone someone will have to fill the void of “automatic t-shirt slogan machine”. Look no further than this guy. For 2006, with the large turnover on the roster, and with an entirely new starting infield, one could say the team has truly “transformed”. And what better than an Autobots themed t-shirt with the 2006 Red Sox slogan: “Transform and Roll Out”. The clinching touch would be the t-shirt featuring David Ortiz holding the Prime Matrix with a Boston logo on it. After all, who better to turn to when you need “to light your darkest hour” than the guy with the knack for getting the big hit? I’d offer more options in the event the guys in the clubhouse didn’t like the Transformers, but it is pretty clear that that is a statistical impossibility.

Of course, you are now wondering why I can’t do all of this without starting at shortstop, where I would almost certainly be a detriment to the club seeing as I have never faced a pitcher older than 10, I haven’t played in the field in a decade and a half, I don’t have what would need to be a superhuman amount of raw athletic ability to make up for my lack of major league skills, and my only advantage over opposing teams (scouting report: “we have absolutely no idea who this guy is or what he is capable of”) would quickly be lost in a matter of games (new scouting report: “he is atrocious at every aspect of the game”). Serious charges, all of them 100% true.

How can I justify making what would appear to be such a poor baseball decision on every level? Hey, you are the guys that didn’t make me GM, so you got yourselves into this mess. I’m willing to play SS to help solve the awkward position we are in now that you’ve failed to hire me. How about for a change, why don’t you guys stop being part of the problem and start being part of the solution?

I guess I should take a trip to my local sporting goods store for a new glove, I’ve got some work to do before Spring Training.

Pleading My Case for the Open Red Sox GM Position

2005-12-01T10:24:00.000-05:00

The leaves are all but gone, the first snow has all ready covered my car, and the Red Sox are still without a new General Manager. The search for a new GM is now entering its 23^rd grueling week, with no end in sight. As name after name on the list of potential candidates is crossed off, the previously unthinkable is coming closer to a reality. For each candidate that drops out of the running brings the Front Office one step closer to reaching my name.

That’s right, my name is on the list of potential candidates for the open Red Sox GM position. Why haven’t you heard me mentioned in any Peter Gammons columns, you ask? Well, I’m just not, you know, “up there”. For the record, I am just above Former CEO of WorldCom and convicted felon Bernard Ebbers, and just below Rod Roddy, the announcer from “the Price is Right”. Of course, I fully expect to be moving up on that list as soon as the Front Office realizes Rod Roddy died a few years ago. This would promote me to just a few notches below Squiggy, and still several hundred ahead of Dan Duquette. With this in mind, I would like to take this opportunity to make my case in hopes I can expedite the process of becoming the new General Manager.

First, I possess many of the qualities that the Front Office has shown they value highly in their pursuit of candidates. My hometown is local to New England, so I have immediate credibility with fans having grown up a Red Sox fan. While usually you don’t want a fan to run baseball operations, I am more than capable of running the team while keeping myself emotionally detached from the players themselves. If need be, I can provide some ex-girlfriends as references to that effect.

The latest trend among hiring of new front office official has been to look to youth. Theo Epstein here in Boston was the youngest person ever to be appointed GM, and now JP Ricciardi in Toronto, Paul DePodesta and Andrew Friedman in Tampa Bay are others who have been part of the new youth movement among major league executives. At 24, I would be a headline grabbing splash, having become the youngest appointed GM in history by several years. My hiring would be a guarantee that the Red Sox would be the lead story in every national sports publication, and would headline every sports report for days on end.

Now clearly, one would be wary of my complete lack of experience in baseball management, and my lack of any form of business education, much less a business degree. Well, you may be surprised to find out that I have found great success in managing a simulated baseball team in the highly regarded MVP Baseball 2005 for the Playstation 2. How much success, you ask? How does 16 straight AL East Crowns, 14 AL Pennants and 13 World Series Titles sound? If I project to even half that successful with the real team, we will all be lauded as heroes for many years to come.

Now granted, virtual victory isn’t quite the same as the real thing. But rather than be a pessimist, I look at my lack of experience as a benefit. After all, if you had to choose between the guy who signed Christian Guzman and Vinny Castilla to long term, big money deals (Jim Bowden), the guy who is best known for trading away Pedro Martinez and running the Baltimore Orioles into the ground (Jim Beattie), or the guy who didn’t do either of these things (me), I think the choice is pretty easy. If those aren’t points in my favor, then I think you are going about this hiring process in entirely the wrong way.

Of course, there is the question of how players, agents and other executives would react to having to negotiate with someone far their junior and with nearly no experience. Well, you won’t need to fear me being blown out of the negotiating room, for I have a few tricks up my sleeve. A current player is demanding a trade? Let’s see how badly he wants to leave when I give him the big puppy dog eyes. It worked on my mom when I wanted that sweet new Huffy when I was 8, and it will work now. A bidding war is developing over a key free agent? Nothing that can’t be settled with a good old fashioned drinking contest. Scott Boras is playing hardball with one of his clients? Easily countered by having a little girl on my negotiating team who starts crying whenever we feel we aren’t getting a fair deal. Johnny Damon would be signed for $6 million over 3 years right now if it meant keeping little Suzie Jenkins quiet.

Finally (and perhaps, to you, most importantly), I would pledge complete loyalty to the Boston Red Sox. What does this mean, exactly? Should the time come when you no longer wish to keep me employed, I promise that rather than quietly resign, or angrily pack my things and leave, I will go down in such a blaze of glory as to leave no doubt that you are the good guys. Whether it’s hitting on the player’s wives, substituting my press conferences with obscenity laden tirades, or simply showing up to work without pants on, there will be no doubt in the public mind that you are better off without me.

So, Red Sox Front Office, I’ve made my case to the internet, the ball is in your court now. I hope you will come to your senses quickly and realize that I am the best man for the job. The Winter Meetings are just around the corner, and I have a lot of work to be doing.

Giving Thanks

2005-11-24T10:42:00.000-05:00

This year, I am thankful for three things (and three things only):

1) The 2004 Red Sox

2) That the sun has not burned out, leaving us all on a lifeless, cold orb.

3) That turkey tastes so darn good.

See, even he likes it. Take that, vegetarians.

Chumpians of the Diamond

2005-11-21T17:15:00.000-05:00

So, my "continue updating regularly" plan isn't panning out so well. I guess I should get my act together if I ever hope to gain some respectability in the blog world... which really says something about the condition of "my act", as it were. So today seems like as good a day as any to catch up on happenings in baseball and elsewhere.

One of the last remaining remembrances of the team once known as the Expos is gone, as the Vermont Expos will be changing their name to the Vermont Lake Monsters, as it says here in the Burlington Free Press (sure, I could link to the Boston Globe, but I'm quickly losing faith in a paper choosing to employ both Shaughnessy and Silva).

I guess the team decided to go with "Lake Monsters" after the mythical creature rumored to be inhabiting Lake Champlain, which the team all ready had as a mascot. Of course, I don't see why they didn't just name them directly after the creature and call themselves the "Vermont Champs". Sure, other teams may resent the fact that they are just usurping the title of "champ" for every season of the foreseeable future, but I say they're Vermont, let them have their hubris. They're a state which only has maple syrup as a claim to fame, and will forever be known as "the upside-down New Hampshire" (no matter what any of those Vermont hillbillies tell you). Of course, I've always been in favor of spirited team names in the interest of fostering competition. I once played on a co-ed ultimate team that choose to name itself the "United States National Team" for the weekend. True story.

Of course, some "traditionalists" who claim to be acting in the interest of "good taste" believe you shouldn't name a team after a horrific mythical monster. These people are crazy. I for one am looking forward to seeing the introductions of the St. Paul Griffins, the Carver City Cerebus, and the Fresno Fighting Chupacabras. After all, the Lake Monsters was the best and most popular choice from the many fan submissions. That's right, the fans picked the name, you democracy-hating anti-monster lobbyists. Of course if you want to feel better about the name choice, we could always take a dip into the "rejected" pool.

The Vermont Chester A. Arthurs - Named for the 21st U.S. President and the greatest president to ever come from the state of Vermont (nobody likes Calvin Coolidge, not even his mom).

Upside: Honors Vermont's history by showing that it can send people to Washington to perform on the National stage. Totally sweet beard.

Downside: Awkward mascot. Confusing cheers (especially for those named "Arthur"). People mistakenly believing the team is named after the aardvark.

Not even the manliest chops since Ambrose Burnside could save this team name.

The Burlington Coat Factory - Named for the popular discount men's clothing store.

Upside: Free advertising.

Downside: Lawsuits from the original Burlington Coat Factory.

Probably not very practical, and something tells me that the boys of summer really don't want those jackets around when it's 90 degrees in August.

The Vermont Maple Barons - Because nothing energizes a fan base more than captains of industry, and no Vermont industry is bigger than the maple syrup business.

Upside: Free Maple Syrup Day sure to be a big hit.

Downside: Having to retire Sappy, the talking tree mascot, when it is deemed that his syrup tap is "too phallic" for the ball park. Also, insurance rates would skyrocket when a connection is made between diabetes and the all-you-can-eat maple sugar candy offer made to season ticket holders by scientists researching in the field of mapleology.

Too bad this one wouldn't work out. After all, everyone wants to be able to root for Wall Street fat cats.

The Vermont Peelers - A tribute to... people who peel things, I guess. Really this would just be an excuse to use the pun on the state's capital ("Montpelier", get it? get it?). The mascot could be a sailor with a sack of potatoes to peel, or maybe a monkey with a big bunch of bananas. And yes, I know monkeys don't peel bananas, they eat the whole. You are just going to have to suspend your disbelief when the man with a monkey costume comes out and stop being such a humorless killjoy all the time.

Upside: Everybody loves a clever play on words.

Downside: No one would get it. And those who do get it wouldn't think it was funny. And they would be right.

Do I really need to explain why this would be a bad idea?

The Vermont Chunky Monkey - Named for one of the signature flavors of Vermont's famous ice cream makers Ben and Jerry.

Upside: All ready branded with a positive image. Cross-promotion practically negotiates itself. Can get Ben & Jerry's to help finance stadium upgrades. Overweight gorilla mascot has the potential for some truly wacky hijinx.

Downside: .... nothing that I can see.

Thinking about it now, I hereby retract everything I previously said about the Vermont Expos new name. The Vermont Chunky Monkey is the far superior team name, and I am outraged that it was not selected. Both the ownership of the Vermont Expos and of Ben & Jerry's can expect angry, obscenity-laden email tirades from yours truly until the situation is rectified. The Chunky Monkey is simply too great an opportunity to pass up.

Let's Go Chunk!

MOJO - Yacht Rock - End of 2005 Season

2005-10-08T22:12:00.000-04:00

With the sudden end of the 2005 season, emotions are running high. Emotions that can best be summed up by the smooth music from the late 1970s and early 1980s: Yacht Rock.

First, the loss, and the anger that comes with it. The Red Sox, with their shoddy pitching and suspect management, and there nasty habit of leaving tons of men on base, winning the World Series? Man, that's What a Fool Believes.

Then, the emptiness that comes with no Red Sox to watch. What can I possibly do? The Red Sox were all I thought about. It's like I'm spending Time Out of Mind.

Then, the knowledge that the Red Sox will be returning ready to play in 2006. And there is only one thing to do until the hometown boys are ready to take the field again: Keep the Fire.

Look for sporadic updates over the course of the off season, mojo and otherwise. Until then, I'll be keeping the fire, with incredibly smooth music.

MOJO - Las Vegas/Rainy Day ALDS Game 3

2005-10-07T08:02:00.000-04:00

The Sox head home facing an 0-2 deficit, needing to win-out to avoid being eliminated from the playoffs. This is not an unfamiliar position for the Red Sox, as they were famously down 0-3 to the Yankees in 2004, and down 0-2 to Oakland the year before that. However while they were victorious in both of those occasions, long odds are once again facing them as they again chose the hard way to advance in the postseason.

With probability abandoning the Red Sox hopes to continue their title defense, we turn to the city where probability is never on you side for, a fact which doesn't prevent millions from going there to gain their own winnings. Las Vegas, where dreams come true.. if you are lucky.

The Red Sox will need more than just luck to continue in the postseason. It is going to take every one on the team performing at their peaks to pull off. The most daring of adventures often do, and when you have a high stakes game, you need an enitre team of talented professionals there to back you up. I'd say at least 11 of them (but preferably 25). Perhaps this plot may sound familiar?

Everyone has a role to play, and they are all important. You can't score runs if you don't get on base. And those runs are meaningless if your pitching can't hold a lead. And great pitching goes right out the window if the players in the field don't make the plays they need to. There is no longer any room for error, and the Red Sox will need to play like it if they have any hope for victory.

Time for the Red Sox to blow on the dice for luck, because right now the chips are down and they need to come through with a big win. Come on baby, daddy needs a new championship ring.

So if you have any mojo of your own you've been saving up for a rainy day, here's a little note to you: it's pouring out.

I have a few, and they are getting added on for today, a course of action best summed up by the first bonus mojo, courtesy of Gene Hackman as Jimmy McGinty in the Replacements.

"They're not afraid of you right now, but they should be. Because there is no tomorrow for you. And that makes you all very dangerous people!" Playing for tomorrow is no longer an option, it's win today or go home, and I for one am not ready to close the book on the 2005 season just yet.

The first bonus mojo is a childhood favorite, and here's a little hint: they're More Than Meets The Eye.

Transformers are exactly what this team needs to start their comeback. Renteria can transform back into his reliable Gold Glove self at shortstop. The bullpen can transform into a group of rally killers. The lineup can revert to their pitching killing machine form. And Kevin Millar can metamorphosize into... maybe a fire truck? The Red Sox have the ability to come back from this deficit, they just need to heed the call: Red Sox Bots, Transform and Roll Out! (cue: Stan Bush - You've Got the Touch)

And because I find 1980s nostalgia particularly powerful, we are going to add in a little bonus TMNT mojo, just to be on the safe side.

If there is a problem that can not be solved by radical genetic mutation and/or ninjas, I've yet to find it.

And finally, because they simply rock so hard that not including their mojo at some point in the season would be a travesty in and of itself, I give you AC/DC.

For those about to rock.

We salute you.

NU50

Chanticleer Mojo

*MOJO* - BOS vs NYY Five Day 1

*MOJO* - BOS @ KC - Tough Love Day 1

*MOJO* - BOS @ KC - GI Joe Day 1

*MOJO* - BOS vs TB - Air Force Day 2

*MOJO* - BOS @ TB - Air Force Day 1

*MOJO* - BOS vs CLE - Ice Cream Truck Day 2

*MOJO* - BOS vs CLE - Ice Cream Truck Day 1

*MOJO* - BOS vs CLE - Miracles Day 2

*MOJO* - BOS vs CLE - Miracles Day 1

*MOJO* - BOS @ ANA - Party Animal Day 1

*MOJO* BOS vs LAA - Monkeys Day 1

*MOJO* - BOS @ OAK - Cryptozoology Day 3

*MOJO* - BOS @ OAK - Cryptozoology Day 1

*MOJO* - BOS @ OAK - Cryptozoology Day 1

*MOJO* - BOS @ SEA - Iconic Cars Day 1

*MOJO* - BOS @ SEA - Revolutionaries Day 6

*MOJO* - BOS @ SEA - Revolutionaries Day 5

*MOJO* - BOS vs TEX - Revolutionaries Day 4

*MOJO* - BOS vs KC - Revolutionaries Day 3

*MOJO* - BOS vs KC - Revolutionaries Day 2

*MOJO* - BOS vs KC - Revolutionaries Day 1

*MOJO* - BOS vs OAK - Explorers Day 1

*MOJO* - BOS vs OAK - Haircuts Day 1

*MOJO* - BOS @ CWS - Lawmen Day 4

*MOJO* - BOS @ CWS - Lawmen Day 3

*MOJO* - BOS @ CWS - Lawmen Day 2

*MOJO* - BOS @ TB - Lawmen Day 1

*MOJO* - BOS @ TB - Mad Scientist Day 1

*MOJO* - BOS @ TB - Explosions Day 1

*MOJO* - BOS @ TB - Tag Team Day 3

*MOJO* - BOS @ FLA - Tag Team Day 1

mojo?

*MOJO* - BOS vs TEX - Pee Wee's Playhouse Day 3

*MOJO* - BOS vs TEX - Pee Wee's Playhouse Day 2

*MOJO* - BOS @ NYY - Pee Wee's Playhouse Day 1

*MOJO* - BOS @ NYY - Vince Vaughn Day 1

*MOJO* - BOS @ NYY - Egyptology Day 2

*MOJO* - BOS @ DET - Egyptology Day 1

*MOJO* - BOS @ DET - Welcome Day 3

*MOJO* - BOS @ DET - Welcome Day 2

*MOJO* - BOS @ TOR - Welcome Day 1

*MOJO* - BOS @ TOR - Great Battles of History Day 1

*MOJO* - BOS @ TOR - Reality TV Day 5

*MOJO* - BOS vs TB - Reality TV Day 3

*MOJO* - BOS vs TB - Reality TV Day 2

*MOJO* - BOS vs TB - Reality TV Day 1

*MOJO* - BOS vs NYY - Candy Day 1

*MOJO* - BOS vs NYY - Beer Day 2

*MOJO* - BOS vs NYY - Beer Day 1

*MOJO* - BOS @ PHI - Hanna Barbera Day 1

*MOJO* - BOS @ BAL - John Travolta Day 3

*MOJO* - BOS @ BAL - John Travolta Day 2

*MOJO* - BOS @ BAL - John Travolta Day 1

*MOJO* - BOS vs TEX - Dance Day 2

*MOJO* - BOS @ NYY - Dance Day 1

*MOJO* - BOS @ NYY - Ninjas Day 6

*MOJO* - BOS @ NYY - Ninjas Day 5

*MOJO* - BOS vs BAL - Ninjas Day 4

*MOJO* - BOS vs BAL - Ninjas Day 3

*MOJO* - BOS vs BAL - Ninjas Day 2

*MOJO* - BOS vs TOR - Ninjas Day 1

*MOJO* - BOS vs TOR - Patriotism Day 2

*MOJO* - BOS vs NYY - Patriotism Day 1

*MOJO* - BOS @ TB - Saved by the Bell Day 2

*MOJO* - BOS @ TB - Saved By the Bell Day 1

*MOJO* - BOS @ TB - AC/DC Day 1

*MOJO* - BOS @ CLE - Gangsters Day 1

*MOJO* - BOS @ CLE - Saddest Mojo Ever Day 3

*MOJO* - BOS @ CLE - Saddest Mojo Ever Day 2

*MOJO* - BOS @ TOR - Saddest Mojo Ever Day 1

*MOJO* - BOS @ TOR - Espionage Day 1

*MOJO* - BOS @ TOR - Explosions Day 1

*MOJO* - BOS vs TB - Hair Bands Day 5

*MOJO* - BOS vs TB - Hair Bands Day 4

*MOJO* - BOS vs TB - Hair Bands Day 3

*MOJO* - BOS vs SEA - Hair Bands Day 2

*MOJO* - BOS vs SEA - Hair Bands Day 1

*MOJO* - BOS vs SEA - Baseball Equipment Day 2

MOJO - BOS vs NYY Five Day 1

MOJO - BOS @ KC - Tough Love Day 1

MOJO - BOS @ KC - GI Joe Day 1

MOJO - BOS vs TB - Air Force Day 2

MOJO - BOS @ TB - Air Force Day 1

MOJO - BOS vs CLE - Ice Cream Truck Day 2

MOJO - BOS vs CLE - Ice Cream Truck Day 1

MOJO - BOS vs CLE - Miracles Day 2

MOJO - BOS vs CLE - Miracles Day 1

MOJO - BOS @ ANA - Party Animal Day 1

MOJO BOS vs LAA - Monkeys Day 1

MOJO - BOS @ OAK - Cryptozoology Day 3

MOJO - BOS @ OAK - Cryptozoology Day 1

MOJO - BOS @ OAK - Cryptozoology Day 1

MOJO - BOS @ SEA - Iconic Cars Day 1

MOJO - BOS @ SEA - Revolutionaries Day 6

MOJO - BOS @ SEA - Revolutionaries Day 5

MOJO - BOS vs TEX - Revolutionaries Day 4

MOJO - BOS vs KC - Revolutionaries Day 3

MOJO - BOS vs KC - Revolutionaries Day 2

MOJO - BOS vs KC - Revolutionaries Day 1

MOJO - BOS vs OAK - Explorers Day 1

MOJO - BOS vs OAK - Haircuts Day 1

MOJO - BOS @ CWS - Lawmen Day 4

MOJO - BOS @ CWS - Lawmen Day 3

MOJO - BOS @ CWS - Lawmen Day 2

MOJO - BOS @ TB - Lawmen Day 1

MOJO - BOS @ TB - Mad Scientist Day 1

MOJO - BOS @ TB - Explosions Day 1

MOJO - BOS @ TB - Tag Team Day 3

MOJO - BOS @ FLA - Tag Team Day 1

MOJO - BOS vs TEX - Pee Wee's Playhouse Day 3

MOJO - BOS vs TEX - Pee Wee's Playhouse Day 2

MOJO - BOS @ NYY - Pee Wee's Playhouse Day 1

MOJO - BOS @ NYY - Vince Vaughn Day 1

MOJO - BOS @ NYY - Egyptology Day 2

MOJO - BOS @ DET - Egyptology Day 1

MOJO - BOS @ DET - Welcome Day 3

MOJO - BOS @ DET - Welcome Day 2

MOJO - BOS @ TOR - Welcome Day 1

MOJO - BOS @ TOR - Great Battles of History Day 1

MOJO - BOS @ TOR - Reality TV Day 5

MOJO - BOS vs TB - Reality TV Day 3

MOJO - BOS vs TB - Reality TV Day 2

MOJO - BOS vs TB - Reality TV Day 1

MOJO - BOS vs NYY - Candy Day 1

MOJO - BOS vs NYY - Beer Day 2

MOJO - BOS vs NYY - Beer Day 1

MOJO - BOS @ PHI - Hanna Barbera Day 1

MOJO - BOS @ BAL - John Travolta Day 3

MOJO - BOS @ BAL - John Travolta Day 2

MOJO - BOS @ BAL - John Travolta Day 1

MOJO - BOS vs TEX - Dance Day 2

MOJO - BOS @ NYY - Dance Day 1

MOJO - BOS @ NYY - Ninjas Day 6

MOJO - BOS @ NYY - Ninjas Day 5

MOJO - BOS vs BAL - Ninjas Day 4

MOJO - BOS vs BAL - Ninjas Day 3

MOJO - BOS vs BAL - Ninjas Day 2

MOJO - BOS vs TOR - Ninjas Day 1

MOJO - BOS vs TOR - Patriotism Day 2

MOJO - BOS vs NYY - Patriotism Day 1

MOJO - BOS @ TB - Saved by the Bell Day 2

MOJO - BOS @ TB - Saved By the Bell Day 1

MOJO - BOS @ TB - AC/DC Day 1

MOJO - BOS @ CLE - Gangsters Day 1

MOJO - BOS @ CLE - Saddest Mojo Ever Day 3

MOJO - BOS @ CLE - Saddest Mojo Ever Day 2

MOJO - BOS @ TOR - Saddest Mojo Ever Day 1

MOJO - BOS @ TOR - Espionage Day 1

MOJO - BOS @ TOR - Explosions Day 1

MOJO - BOS vs TB - Hair Bands Day 5

MOJO - BOS vs TB - Hair Bands Day 4

MOJO - BOS vs TB - Hair Bands Day 3

MOJO - BOS vs SEA - Hair Bands Day 2

MOJO - BOS vs SEA - Hair Bands Day 1

MOJO - BOS vs SEA - Baseball Equipment Day 2

MOJO - BOS vs SEA - Baseball Equipment Day 1

MOJO - BOS vs TOR - Classic Arcade Games Day 1

MOJO - BOS vs TOR - Winter Wonderland Day 6