Sunday, April 30, 2006

*MOJO* - BOS @ TB - Saved by the Bell Day 2

Are you ready for mojo, preppy?



Saved by the Bell mojo continues with the other one of the Bayside High School Super Hunks, AC Slater. After all, no one could make the teenage girls in the audience go "Wooooooooooooo" quite like AC. That dimpled smile and a "hey mama, you ready to go to the Attic? Don't worry, I've got my fake ID, and it works every time", and all the ladies will swoon.



Just like AC has never lost a wrestling match in his life, just like Curt Schilling has yet to lose a game this season. It's that competitive fire which will keep the Red Sox rolling as they try to beat those punks from Valley.... err, Tampa Bay.

And should Schilling not be able to throw 180 pitches again for a complete game, AC has a little extra for Mike Timlin coming out of the pen.



Go Bayside Red Sox!

Saturday, April 29, 2006

*MOJO* - BOS @ TB - Saved By the Bell Day 1

In an attempt to revitalize mojo (2 for it's last 8), tonight's mojo comes courtesy of the lovely Piney.

---

I'm your substitute teacher for today, filling in for NU who is out being mad busy, and in a bit of a mojo slump himself, so I have filled in today to help try and bring this team back on the road. So open up those Trapper Keepers, take out your number two pencils, and let's start up with the mojo....

When you wake up in the morning and the clock lets out a warning I don't think I'll ever make it on time. By the time I got my books, I give myself a look I'm at the corner just in time to see the bus fly by

Yep, boys and girls, it's alright because we got some Saved By the Bell mojo headed straight up your way!

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Saved By the Bell, as we all know, is an 80's sitcom that was on NBC on Saturday mornings. I think we basically all know about it, the 80's corniness, the spandex, the ridiculously genius plotlines. I think we all have the "Jessie Takes Caffiene Pills" episode memorized by heart somehow, but anyways, onto the mojo...

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Today's character is the ultra-suave "What? Me Worry?" Zack Morris. He's always got a plan and he's always laid back and just let things happen. He's not exactly known as the best of students at first, but as time went on, he showed himself to be quiet the student, actually. He never worried, and never seemed to take things too seriously, which in this game of baseball is a great quality to have. In other words, if Zack Morris was a big Dominican man, he would be David Ortiz.

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Now I call upon David Ortiz to channel his inner Zack Morris and hone his clutchibility and reinstate the fear of God in the Devil Rays pitchers. Hopefully, like Morris in his many predicaments that he's gotten himself into, he learns from his struggles in the past few days and adjusts well. Actually, I call upon the entire offense to just relax, stop worrying, and hit the goddamn ball. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and stop thinking...sometimes not thinking too hard at the plate can produce some beautiful results.

IPB Image

So boys and girls, the lesson plan for today is to just kick back, relax, and focus. Be like Zack Morris, and things will be alright. Why? Because you're Saved By the Bell. And if not then, mehh what the hell are you doing taking advice from an 80's show anyway?!

Friday, April 28, 2006

*MOJO* - BOS @ TB - AC/DC Day 1

I didn't want to have to do this, but you've left me with no choice. After two straight ugly losses to Cleveland, the team needs a swift kick in the ass. And there is just one band with balls big enough to handle the job.



Hey there, all you Red Sox
Throw away your fancy clothes
And while you're out there sittin' on the bench
So get off your ass and come down here
'Cause baseball ain't no riddle man
To me it makes good, good sense

Heavy hitters are comin up to bat
We got mohawks comin out of the pen
We're just playing for fans that're giving too much noise
Are you deaf, you wanna hear some more

We're just talkin' about the future
Forget about the past
It'll always be with us
It's never gonna die, never gonna die

Rock 'n' roll ain't noise pollution
Rock 'n' roll ain't gonna die
Rock 'n' roll ain't noise pollution
Rock 'n' roll it will survive



thanks to Piney, who's mojo style I am blatantly stealing from

Thursday, April 27, 2006

*MOJO* - BOS @ CLE - Gangsters Day 1

"You have an all out prize fight, you wait until the fight is over, one guy is left standing. And that's how you know who won."



Wins aren't just handed to you on a silver platter. You have to claw and scrape from nothing and make wins for yourself. You think Cleveland is just going to roll over and hand you a win? Of course not. You have to see what you want and take it, just like Al Capone would.

You think they are going to just going to get easy fastballs over the plate, David Ortiz? You are going to have to take the slop they give you and either beat the shift going the other way, or send it over their heads where they can't catch it. You think everything is going to be soft grounders right to you, Alex Gonzalez? Not a chance, lets see you get that jersey dirty and make some plays for the highlight reel. You think those hitters are going to be getting themselves out, Josh Beckett? They've got some talent, but so do you, so use that great stuff of yours to show them the way back to the bench.

Tonight's game won't be delivered on a silver platter. You know what you want, now go take it. We'll see which team is the last one standing.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

*MOJO* - BOS @ CLE - Saddest Mojo Ever Day 3

Doesn't this look beautiful:



Too bad that if the Sox don't keep winning, the ownership will have to expand their enterprises.



Losing kills trees and wildlife. Don't kill trees and wildlife.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

*MOJO* - BOS @ CLE - Saddest Mojo Ever Day 2

Why is this little girl sad?



Because if the Red Sox lose, no one will want to party.

Losing ruins little girls' birthday parties. Don't ruin little girls' birthday parties.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

*MOJO* - BOS @ TOR - Saddest Mojo Ever Day 1

You see this puppy?



Losing makes him sad.

Stop making the puppy sad.

*MOJO* - BOS @ TOR - Espionage Day 1



We've got problems here in mojo world. Yesterday's attempt to unlesah some firepower worked pretty darn well, with the Red Sox hitting 4 home runs, including Jason Varitek's first, Manny and Ortiz going back-to-back, AND Manny hitting another home run for his first two of the year. Easy coasting to the win after that, right?

But wait, the Blue Jays hit 4 home runs as well, including 2 by Vernon Wells. How could this be? The unthinkable has happened: someone is trying to steal our mojo!

It seems those dastardly foes from the north are attempting to usurp our mojo for their own purposes! There's only one hope of saving mojo: revert to emergency encrypted mojo while we look for enemy spies.



Ithway Ennylay Inardoday akingtay ethay illhay againstway ormerfay Ycay Oungyay innerway Oyray Alladayhay, ethay Edray Oxsay areway oinggay otay eednay allway ethay elphay eythay ancay etgay. Ooklay orfay Annymay andway Ortizway otay eadlay ethay ayway againway, asway ethay Edray Oxsay ooklay otay improveway onway eirthay AL-WAY Eastway eadinglay ecordray.

Ogay Edray Oxsay!

Friday, April 21, 2006

*MOJO* - BOS @ TOR - Explosions Day 1

With another good pitching performance by Tim Wakefield wasted last night, it is up to the offense to get back on track, and fast. The Red Sox have been performing exceptionally well in 1 run games, but with the talent the Red Sox have holding the bats (well, except for Josh Bard) they shouldn't have to keep putting the burden on their pitching staff (as good as it's been).

The Red Sox need a little more fire in their belly, and they need to start putting on the fireworks show that their lineup is capable of. So without further ado, let's let loose the artillery.





So fire up Tchaikovsky's "1812 Overture", or if you feel like rocking, a little of AC/DC's "For Those About to Rock", and sit back and enjoy the fireworks. The Red Sox pyrotechnic display is hitting the road, with it's first stop north of the border tonight.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

*MOJO* - BOS vs TB - Hair Bands Day 5

When Tim Wakefield takes the mound, it is a completely different type of appearence from most starting pitchers. While power pitchers like Curt Schilling and Josh Beckett dazzle with the explosive fastballs, Wakefield puts on a different type of show. One of fluttering pitches that you see quickly and then they disappear. Pitches that dance and entertain on their way to the plate. Tim Wakefield is his own one-man pitching magic show.



And every magic show needs it's theme music.



Let the Swede Rock permeate the air as the Red Sox look to make it 5 straight with a sweep of Tampa Bay at Fenway Park today. And remember, Wakefield's knuckler seemingly disappearing on its way to the plate is no trick.

It's an ILLUSION!

special thanks to Empyreal for hosting the greatest synth rock known to man

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

*MOJO* - BOS vs TB - Hair Bands Day 4

Curt Schilling takes the mound today against the Devil Rays, a team who one could argue has as much bad blood with the Red Sox as the Yankees. It seems that not a series can go by without the benches clearing at least a couple of times. This week, Schilling more or less admitted that the Sox staff was intentionally throwing at batters last season.

In fact one might say that he's not going to take it. No, he's not going to take it, anymore.



Get out your heavy duty Aquanet and your industrial strength blush, it's time for a little Twisted Sister mojo. Boston will be looking to rock Doug Waechter right back onto the bench, with hopefully a nice easy blowout in their favor. After a walkoff win followed by a diving catch to save the game, perhaps the Nation has enough drama to last itself a little while. Perhaps we could turn it down a little, maybe play in such a heart attack inducing manner...



Turn it down you say
But all I got to say to you is time and time again I say No!
No! No! No!
Tell me not to play
Well, all I got to say to when you tell me not to play I say No!
No! No! No!
So, if you ask me why I like the way I play it
There's only one thing I can say to you

I Wanna Rock! (Rock!)


All right, fine guys, geez. You didn't have to yell at me.

Strap yourself in, Red Sox vs. Devil Rays is ready to continue rocking your face off. No wusses allowed.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

*MOJO* - BOS vs TB - Hair Bands Day 3



Boy, can that little ballpark sure get loud. When the Fenway faithful get rolling, their sound can be deafening. There's nothing quite like a walk-off home run to get the crowd to "Bang Their Head" and invite them to "Cum On Fell the Noize".

Too obvious? Well, whether or not I know how to be subtle, you guessed it: it's time for a Quiet Riot.



Matt Clement and Casey Fossum match up in a good ol' fashioned "beard-off".



The edge has to go to Clement, if merely for his extensive experience at wearing a beard, and for the fact that he is not Casey Fossum. The key match up of the game will be between Fossum and the left/right chin strap combo of David Ortiz and Wily Mo Pena.



And no, I don't know what Wily Mo is doing in that picture. But something tells me making out with your bat is pretty darn good mojo.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

*MOJO* - BOS vs SEA - Hair Bands Day 2

Happy Patriots Day



err... I mean



The final game of the 4 game set with Seattle is coming up, with our old left hander being replaced in the rotation by the new left hander: Lenny Dinardo. On a day recognized by Massachusetts as a holiday (no matter what the rest of the country says), The Red Sox look to make it two in a row in the annual early morning game set to begin with the Boston Marathon.

With the thousands of marathon runners making their way past the park today, the Red Sox can find inspiration from Bon Jovi, after all, there first big hit was "Runaway", and the first big hit is exactly what Manny Ramirez is still looking for.



As long as Manny doesn't try on any purple leather pants. Of course, Lenny Dinardo just might be able to pull that off.

Fire up your Casio keyboards, because the dulcet tones of New Jersey's second finest (can't disrespect the Boss) are prepared to help propel the Sox to another win.

*MOJO* - BOS vs SEA - Hair Bands Day 1

For the past two days, despite some excellent pitching performances, the Red Sox are sitting at only 1-1 due to only managing to score 2 runs in those 2 games, both off the bat of Alex Gonzalez. The bats seem to be stuck in idle, and will need to get in gear to overcome yet another lefty on the hill: Jarrod Washburn.

And if you need someone to "Kick Start (Your) Heart", than look no further than the boys of the Crue.



Whether it's riding a "custom built bike at 103", or "sky diving naked from an aeroplane", Motley Crue knows what it means to rock. The offense lately has been getting pushed around by pitchers that, quite frankly, they shouldn't be. To steal a line from Rowdy Roddy Piper from "They Live", they need to remember that they do two things well, score runs and chew bubble gum, and last time I checked the clubhouse, they are all out of bubble gum (I think it's all on Papa Jack's head).

So when the opening strains of "Kick Start My Heart" come blaring through the Fenway PA, you'll know it's game time, and the Red Sox will be ready to rock. And if Manny has to undue his natty dreadlocks and tease up his hair with a bottle and a half of Aquanet in order to get rolling, than so be it.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

*MOJO* - BOS vs SEA - Baseball Equipment Day 2

The Sox look to be back on the right track with their 2-1 win over the Seattle Mariners. It was a brilliant pitching performance on both ends, as both Schilling and Papelbon continued the excellent starts to their seasons.

However, when all of your Runs Batted In belong to Alex Gonzalez, it usually isn't a good sign for your offence. They'll need to take a couple of extra swings today to get loose and start bringing some guys home as they are normally so adept at. And if they want to make that bat feel a bit lighter when at the plate, they are going to need some of these:



Of course, some people need the help more than others. For a little extra something to put the life back into Manny Ramirez's bat, some of this certainly wouldn't hurt:


Any he has left over he can jsut smear onto his batting helmet. Because afterall, you don't want to put too much on at once, becuase that doesn't always end well.



There's only one man left on the active roster who is new to the team, and I'm sure you are all excited to see him. In what may be the last "Totally True Factoids" (if it's been popular enough, may it will make a return, kind of like how you can bring Tinkerbell back to life if you clap loudly), we get to know JT Snow a little better.



- In order to try and maximize his value in his new role of "defensive specialist", during Spring Training Snow tried out fielding first base while wearing two mitts for a week, giving him more range to snag balls to either side of him. It proved to be just as awkward as it sounds.

- "JT"'s full name is Juventud Tennessee Snow IV.

- JT Snow spends his off-season trying to invent new things, and holds 113 patents.

- In an interview with the Globe, General Manager Theo Epstein stated that there were several needs they were hoping to fill with the signing of JT Snow. A left-handed bat off the bench, a defensively capable back-up first baseman, a veteran clubhouse presence, and someone to make sure pint-sized SS Dustin Pedroia doesn't get trampled at home plate once he gets called up.

Friday, April 14, 2006

*MOJO* - BOS vs SEA - Baseball Equipment Day 1

Being blessed with amazing skills isn't always enough. Every player in the league gets help from some outside sources. No, not BALCO. We're talking about the little things like pine tar, glove oil and eye black. Because sometimes, you just can't hit unless you have personalized wristbands.

The Red Sox are looking to snap a two game losing streak, a pair of games marred by inconsistent (read: bad) performances by their starting pitching. Sometimes, you need to take a step off the back of the mound, catch your breath, and toss this a couple of times.



Dry those hands, take the pressure off, then step back on the mound and bear down on the hitters. That will be Curt Schilling's job tonight as the Sox square off against the Seattle Mariners.



As the season continues, the effort to meet and greet all the new members of the Boston Red Sox. Today's feature on "Totally True Factoids" isn't completely new to Boston, but is a newcomer this year: Rudy Seanez.



- The film "Rudy" starring Sean Astin is based on Rudy Seanez's life. Some minor details were changed: the real Seanez wasn't carried off the field by Notre Dame's football team, and in fact did not play football, and did not attend Notre Dame. He is also considerable larger than "five foot nothin', a hundred and nothin'". He is close friends with Charles S. Dutton, however.

- Rudy Seanez keeps in shape in the offseason by participating in the UBFC: the Ultimate Bear Fighting Championship. His record is 14-8-2.

- Rudy Seanez and Johnny Pesky are the only two people currently sitting on the Red Sox bench who have voted for Dwight Eisenhower.

- Rudy Seanez is the acting president of the Bullpen Cart Preservation Committee. The BCPC is working toward the return of the bullpen cart to major league parks. The committee was formed in 2000 by former Red Sox reliever Rich Garces.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

*MOJO* - BOS vs TOR - Classic Arcade Games Day 1

After last night's assault, it is clear that the new look Toronto offense is capable of some fireworks. They managed to drop some absolute bombs on Boston pitching last night, and it will be difficult for the staff to keep them in check today. It will be up to tonight's starter Matt Clement to exhibit the command it will take to sit down their dangerous hitters. But not just any command, he'll need some missile command.



Just like the fantastic old school arcade game, Clement has some explosive stuff, he just needs to exhibit the pinpoint control to hit his spots. In the game, if you are just off with your aim, you'll miss your target and soon you'll be getting bombed. Same goes for Clement tonight, it will take some sharp pitching to keep the Blue Jays in check.



And if that alone isn't enough, I'll provide a little extra boost to mojo: I get to attend tonight's game thanks to the incomparable Empyreal. I'll be looking forward to heckling Blue Jays third base coach Brian Butterfield.

Returning from suspension today, and latest feature in "Totally True Factoids" is one of the newer faces on the Red Sox roster, Julian Tavarez.



- Tavarez is one of the few pitchers in baseball to be credited with the creation of a new pitch: the crazyball.

- If one were to make a plaster mold of Julian Tavarez's face, and then turn it on it's side, it would provide an exact topographical relief of Mt. Hood.

- Tavarez once bit his tongue so hard, it killed the taste buds on the tip. He is now incapable of tasting sweet things. Suggesting that this lack of "sweetness" contributes to his "sour" attitude would be childish, and insensitive.

- Julian Tavarez is a rare two sport athlete. He was also on the 1997 World Champion US National Champion Cheerleading Squad.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

*MOJO* - BOS vs TOR - Winter Wonderland Day 6

The blizzard has yet to let up, as the Red Sox are off to their best start in over 50 years. Red Sox Nation is hoping to keep it going with another win over the new look Blue Jays, but not many are sure what to expect from tonight's game. Tonight's starter for the Sox will be making his season debut, and everyone in the stands are just hoping David Wells will see his shadow.



Any winning streak is difficult to sustain, especially one so early in the season. However, the Red Sox fans are hoping that David Wells can see his (considerable) shadow and help bring on six more weeks of winter. We all know that varmint can be tricky, and it will be up to the Groundhog to help the Sox come out on top. Don't bring your snow boots to the attic just yet, because a cold snap could be coming through.



With the untimely injury to Coco Crisp, a new OF is making his debut with the Red Sox. "Totally True Factoids" introduces Red Sox outfielder Dustan Mohr.



- Dustan Mohr is one of only five "Dustans" in the entire world. Ironically, he is the only one who plays professional baseball.

- In his spare time, Dustan Mohr is an avid painter. He works exclusively in the medium of "sad clown on velvet".

- In 2004, Dustan Mohr hit for the cycle. Well, not THE cycle. He grounded out once to third base, short stop, second base, first base, and the pitcher, all in a single game. Some say it is more difficult to do than the hitting for the more commonly accepted version of the "cycle", but people with that position can't explain how Edgar Renteria did it no less than 17 times in 2005 alone.

- Dustan Mohr taught Lebron James everything he knows about basketball. That is to say, he taught him everything Dustan Mohr knows. The lesson took twelve minutes, and afterwards Lebron called it "the biggest waste of time he ever endured".