Friday, March 26, 2004

i may be angry and hate-filled but... what was that third thing you said?

I came to a realization this week: as a whole, I hate college students. Granted, there are many individual students that I can get along with just fine, but put them together in a group and I start wishing I can transform into the Hulk and start smashing everything in sight. I don’t know when it started, whether it was in another classroom discussion hijacked by morons, watching the news seeing more drunken idiots making jackasses of themselves, or just listening to another random jerk on campus, but I am finding very few redeeming qualities about college students in general.

Of course, not all college students are created equal. Here are the worst ones:

Goons – There are two types of guys that fall into this category, and I don’t know which is worse. First, the guys that put on the fitted t-shirts from Armani Exchange, the gold necklace, the tube and a half of gel in their hair, and are off to the clubs. You may have lived near one, God help you if it was in the same room, and knew them by the stench of cologne that would follow them wherever they would go. I had one of these guys as a roommate once, and we had to follow him out the door with Febreeze to mask his odor. There was a time when at a “social”, if you will, that the guy would ask the lady to dance. Not these guys, they’ll just start rubbing up against anything on the dance floor with tits. When did it become acceptable to just start banging your cock into someone before even introducing yourself? What is it about dance clubs that makes this OK? If I did that on the T, I’d be arrested. I’m assuming.

Then there are these guys dim-witted cousins, the nasty alter-ego of “Generic College Guy”. On first glance, with his Abercrombie t-shirt and hemp necklace, you may not pick him out, but watch closely, and you’ll be able to tell them apart. It’s rather simply when you know what to look for, the goons are the ones who are either A) Brow-beating their way into a dumb girl’s heart or B) Picking fights with as many people as possible. Many of you should know someone like this, because you could name any school in the country and they will be there. Like, for example, I could pick a school at random, like Western Michigan University, and I’ll bet you could go there and find someone who likes to push people around and treat women like objects. I’m just saying.

“Liberated Women” – Of course, you don’t need a Y chromosome to have alcohol turn you into a jackass. These are the goons’ feminine counter-parts, and they come as an odd mix of Paris Hilton and Gloria Steinem. It’s the girls that will preach that they are their own independent women, and that they can do whatever they choose to. It just so happens that what they choose to do is put on a ton of make-up and black stretch pants so they can have some goon throw it in them. You’ve seen them at the party: the beer starts flowing and it’s like every single guy there is a game show host, and she is desperate to get at their “cash and prizes”. It is impossible to talk to these women, because eventually, you will disagree on something, and when you do, it’s only because “you want her so bad and she won’t give you none”. In an argument about sports, how do you argue with “you are just jealous because I’ve given way more blowjobs than you will ever get”? The answer: you walk away and start slamming your head in a car door until you pass out. Trust me, it’s your best option.

“Activists” – This group is a little tricky, because in this day and age, most people who are passionate about a cause are merely annoying, not enough to really inspire hate. After all, how many times have you actually had someone yell at you for eating a hamburger? It’s the small subset of these folks who take things much too seriously. Honestly now, do you really think posting wordy essay-length fliers on the T is going to get the US to abandon capitalism in favor of socialism? Hey, I’ll bet if we start a website saying Freeland is a jerk, he’ll give us our concert back! Has an online petition ever worked? Ever? What if I started an online petition to get them to abandon their ideals? How many signatures would I need to get them to shut up?

There is a small group of activists who are a hojillion times worse then them, however. These are the people who take a legitimate cause, and go much too far with it. It used to be the anti-fur people throwing red paint who were the bad guys, but now, we have the wonderful folks at the ELF. The Earth Liberation Front has been committing acts of “ecoterrorism” on the Earth’s behalf against people they decide are benefiting from destructive behavior. Oh, and apparently, the best way to do that is arson. Burning down entire building complexes and SUV dealerships on behalf of protecting the Earth. First of all, feel free to ignore the toxic chemicals that will release into the atmosphere. Worse, ignore the huge threat to human life this poses, it is a miracle that they haven’t killed anyone yet. But really, does the Earth really need your help to exact revenge? Have you ever heard of hurricanes? Tornados? Earthquakes? Volcanoes? Forest Fires? Mother Nature even does the arson bit better than you.

Whenever someone asks me what I want to do with my CJ degree, I’m just going to tell them that I want to be “The Man”. I think I would like harshing on these hippie’s vibe and being Captain Bringdown. I think I would like that a lot.

Victims – Speaking of people who like to “stick it to the man”. These may be the most unforgivable morons out there. You are one of these people if you have ever said the following sentence: “The problem with the police/school administration/ symbol of authority is that they spend too much time going after under age drinkers/recreational drug users/other stupid crap that I do.” Yeah, like that cop busted you for throwing a 40 through a car window because he just has a hard-on for busting college kids. You do something against the law, and it is the cop’s fault for busting you. These are the same people who argue when they get pulled over. “Everyone else was speeding too, why didn’t you pull over them! So what if I was going 80 in a 45, if you don’t pull over the rest of them too it must be because you are a jerk!” People who refuse to take responsibility for their own stupid actions should all be rounded up, crammed in burlap sacs, and thrown out to sea.

Know-Nothing Know-It-Alls – Every classroom has a couple. The ones that feel it’s necessary to contribute to every discussion, even when they have nothing to say. “It’s like in China where the government forces families to kill all their children to keep the population down.” “Well, that’s because the main difference between men and women is that women care about things, and men have no souls.” “The Holocaust never happened, it’s a figment of the liberal media. Oh and the Vietnam War was fought over a bet that Eisenhower lost to Howard Hughes.” Have you ever felt like maybe you are on one of those hidden camera shows, and any minute some guy in a tacky suit is going to jump out and tell you these aren’t real college students. “Oh thank God, Wink! I was worried the future of our country was all ready doomed!”

I could go on, but all this talk has angered up my blood. Instead, I thought I’d give something the readers actually wanted. And while me wasting away on a deserted island, broken, unhappy, and thin from starvation isn’t really an option (sorry, Stud), I’ll rely on what people get to this site via search engines are searching for. As it turns out, I get a ridiculous number of hits for both the Orbit Gum Girl, as well as for Paris Hilton porn. So, I figured that since you’ve suffered through this whole rant, I’d just give the people more of what they want:
Until something else makes me angry enough to write an essay.

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-Hawaii out